After The Affair

Just to Check In

2008-09-05T00:52:00.004-05:00

My apologies for the long unexplained absence. I did not intend to be gone for this long. Our lives have been upside down for awhile now, and this space was the last thing on my mind.

First you should know that the kids are amazing. Jack is 1 now and he is so healthy and full of life, you would never know how sick he was just a year ago. Michael started school a few weeks back and he loves every bit of it- the child was made to be in an academic setting!

And now for the part you really came here for- the short(er) version:

Matt and I separated for awhile, pending changes on both sides. I made them, he did not. So I un-made them, and THEN he decided he was really serious about recommitting to the relationship. If only he had been the first time he "recommitted"- you know, we had that ceremony and all that . . . but at that point I didn't want to re-make the changes, so he's declared that he's "waiting" on me.

He has been living at home with us for a few weeks now, but we're not living together. It's a side-by-side deal. The house is, in fact, big enough for the two of us, and any communication between us pretty much has to do with either the kids or the house.

He's been an excellent roommate, doing his share of the dishes and cleaning, and taking care of the things around the house that he never would do before. He is also working less, and taking care of the kids a bit more. A large part of me says too little too late. However, there's always that little bit. I have been speaking with a lawyer, but I cannot manage to go forward with a divorce yet. I just can't make the step. I suppose there is a silly little bit of me hoping he'll finally do all the things he's promised for ages now.

I have no idea what will happen next. I'm stuck right now, waiting for a sign to move forward, or step back. Maybe waiting to see if he really changes this time, most likely waiting to see how foolish I am.

Arguing

2008-03-28T01:09:00.002-05:00

Matt is going through a big change at work. He's not in danger of losing his job or anything, but just a lot of changes to the company and management and shifts in his own schedule to accomodate the changes. This is stressing him quite a bit and has been for the last 6 weeks or so. He's downright pissy all the time.

I'm not a big fan of change myself, but I know this about myself and I try incredibly hard not to take it out on Matt or the kids. Last night he started an argument over the silliest thing. He thought he'd told me about an after work commitment when he hadn't, so when he was getting ready to leave and I asked where he was going he got upset and said, "you know. I told you about this last week." then refused to tell me about it like a pouting 10 year old. He accused me of never listening to him when he tells me things, and then after ranting and raving a bit, it dawned on him that he MIGHT not have told me. Did he apologize for his accusations? Not one bit. Did he repeat himself over and over about how I never listen to him? Oh yes... though it is difficult to listen and remember his schedule when HE NEVER EVEN SAYS THOSE WORDS IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!

I tried to chalk it up to him being stressed and nit picking because of his own stress, so this morning I joked gently with him about it and asked if he was still mad. And would you believe that he exploded all over again? I'm seriously dumbfounded. It was all big fat "woe is me" whining about how hard his life is and how I can never truly understand how difficult every single day of his life is. If I could walk in his shoes for a moment then I'd know and I'd stop ticking him off all the time.

EXCUSE ME?

After awhile, I said very softly, "I think I've heard enough." And he yelled at me to stop muttering under my breath. I said it again and added. "Whenever you're finished with this rampage, please let me know." I told him I didn't appreciate the fact that he was taking everything out on me when I've done nothing to "tick him off". He then pulled out the "Well, I work more than you and earn more and do more for us than you do" card... what he doesn't seem to remember though, is that I do all of our financial stuff, and funny thing- I earn more than him and the only way he works more hours than I do is because of his insane commute time. Funny how he hated that I pointed that out.

I did a very insane thing then and told him how lazy he's been and how that's ticking ME off. He's been getting home from work and literally laying on the couch or hiding in our room for the 2 hours til our boys go to bed. He ignores me, ignores the kids and does his own thing because he "needs down time". He comes in to do the good father show of tucking the boys in, but then he's back to being a lounge lizard for the rest of the evening while I finish cleaning up the kitchen from dinner and picking up toys and working a little more.

About 2 weeks ago I told him I needed more time and help from him. I thought it had been a productive discussion. All I asked was that when he gets home from work that he asked me what tasks I had left to accomplish, and that he help me do them so that we can both relax in the evening, and hopefully spend some of that new free time together. This involves him playing with the boys so that I can clean up dinner things, or helping me fold that last load of laundry or giving the boys their baths so that I can put laundry away-- nothing to strenuous, I promise. He agreed with me and said I definitely deserved some help with all I'm doing and that he would help. That next day he came home and did just what he had promised, and I thought it had worked out wonderfully. He didn't seem to mind it at all, but apparently he only agreed that I deserved help in theory because that's the only time he did what he had agreed to. I mistakenly started offering up excuses for him in my mind, a habit I am really trying to kill. I immediately went to the "Stress at work" excuse for him followed by "really tired" and "not feeling well". The truth is, he is just being a lazy ass. Of course, he doesn't call it lazy- it is well-deserved "down time".

During all the arguing this morning, I finally just asked him if there was something he wanted to get off his chest. I told him I'd rather him just be honest and get it over with, because rarely does someone get this cranky over little tiny things unless there is a big huge thing eating at them. He said he didn't want to say, and I told him that the cat was out of the bag, and that unless he'd murdered or raped someone, there wasn't really much that would shock me anymore.

So he told me that he just doesn't like me or anyone else right now, and that he'll get over it soon.

I told him he'd better get over it in the next day or two, or there would be no one here to take it all out on if he continues to treat me like this.

So he left. He said, "this is ridiculous!" and he walked out like he'd played no part in the arguing. He came back this evening, and the only way I can tell that something is wrong is that he is uncharacteristically quiet. Otherwise he pretended like nothing ever happened.

I don't know what to do. I can account for his time, so I'm not struggling with trust issues in regards to infidelity. I am NOT going to let him yell at me whenever he's stressed out though. He said he didn't like me much right now, and you know what? I'm not liking him either. I don't know what's going on here yet, but something is up.

John, Part 3

2008-03-18T00:53:00.003-05:00

One of the things I miss about my relationship with John was that outside of arguing maintaining our relationship seemed effortless for the most part. We went about doing whatever we did- working our jobs, seeing friends, being with each other-- without much work. I'm trying not to idealize that time in my life, but to be honest it's difficult not to. I remember that time as so easy and free. Of course, there was the trade off of all the fighting, and I wouldn't wish that back either.

I guess my question is, what is it about work in a relationship? Should you have to work this hard to maintain a good relationship? Is there never a place where a couple can relax for a bit and truly trust that their relationship is safe? I'm not talking about sitting back and assuming that life will stay grand forever. I suppose what I'm wishing for right now is to not feel the constant need to be aware of our relationship "status". We're doing very well right now, but I feel the need to take an inventory at night-- Did I listen to him when he talked about work? Did he take the time to listen to me about the kids and about my workday? Did we make time for each other? Did we show affection to each other? I wish to feel secure enough in my relationship that I could just settle in, knowing that everything would be good again the next day and go to sleep without worrying about where my place is in my husband's mind and heart. I know that I'm his priority right now, but I find myself obsessing to be sure I'm doing the "right" things to be sure there is no reason for him to think otherwise.

I have never worked so hard in my life on any relationship as I have worked over the past 2 years. I dare say the same about Matt. I'm tired though. I don't want to lose all the good things we have gained from all this effort, but I need to rest. I need to be secure in our relationship so that I can be a little selfish and take care of myself for a few days. The problem lies with me I know. God- I wish there was a switch where I could turn off the annoying part of me that worries an insane amount over trivial things.

Choices

2008-03-04T23:19:00.002-06:00

It seems like this life provides us with too many and too few choices. Sorry to be quizzical- I'm in a mood.

We're heading into another anniversary. The actual date is still about 2 months away, but I can't get it out of my head. I keep dreaming about things related to it, it pops up in my thoughts during the day, it seems to be everpresent. It got bad enough that I woke up in the middle of the night last night and did stupid googling of Jessica's usernames and all that. It has almost been 2 years, but I'm apparently still not above this. When I finally got back to sleep I dreamed about hunting her down at her job and having it out with her-- no violence, but boy did I give her a tongue-lashing. I'm so passive agressive it's ridiculous! I couldn't even beat the girl up in my dream...

It's times like this that I wonder if I made the right choice to stay with Matt. Most of the time I think yes. We've made so much forward progress, and we've been genuinely getting along so well that I hope desperately that we continue to improve and grow together. But sometimes I still have that "no" in my mind. Am I still going to be stressed and worried over these anniversaries years from now? Is this seriously going to hang in the back of my mind for the rest of my marriage?

This is year 2. It should get better after awhile, yes? So what is it- 5 years? 10 years? Never? I'm trying to be realistic, as always.

John, Part Two: Adult Relationship

2008-02-29T14:25:00.002-06:00

Just before John and I moved in together there was a day that was far too perfect.

I slept in until an unreasonable hour and took a long hot bath-- long enough to get through an entire magazine. And when I got out of the tub I had a message from John: "hey-- this is weird, but I can't seem to stop thinking about you. I can't wait to see you tonight." Simple words, but I won't ever forget them. I felt so valued by him.

I remember laying on my bed and thinking that I was seriously the luckiest woman to have ever lived. We went out together that night and had an amazing evening, and that was the night he asked me to move in with him. I practically saw stars.

*************

On the flip side, I had convinced myself that the kind of passion and attraction we had for one another required all the arguing we did. I mean- passion in the bedroom carries into life, right? So because we were so intense with each other when we liked each other, we had the same level of intensity (if not more so) when we fought. We both said really stupid hurtful things to each other while we were upset, and that is why we were not able to keep ourselves together. We couldn't be respectful in an argument, so we drove ourselves apart.

*************

Matt and I have been quite the opposite. I think a strong factor in my decision to marry him because I was attracted to the stability and his even-tempered nature. He generally is extremely calm. That was part of how I knew something was going on leading up to my discovery of the affair-- he started having these crazy temper tantrums that were so out of character for him, and then when they continued as long as they did I stupidly assumed that it was something I'd done to cause it.... why do some women do that to themselves? Why do we assume it is us to blame at all times?

We have been talking in therapy about recreating passion, and it has been a hard topic, because to be honest, "passion" is not one of the words I would use to describe our relationship-- at any point in time. I can now say that I love my husband again, but I don't feel that "can't wait to see him" thing. I suppose that is what we are trying to recreate.

******************

So how exactly does one define an "adult" relationship? How do you balance that need to have someone desire you with the need for comfort and stability? It is always a work in progress, I'm learning, so what do you do in your relationship that works or doesn't work?

John, Part One

2008-02-19T00:34:00.004-06:00

Mind if I talk about my past relationship in pieces? I need to sort through some things, and as I've started writing about it I realized that there are a bunch of different aspects to this. So here is the first part.

Before I met Matt I was engaged to someone else. Just to be nice and plain, we'll call him John.

It was a bad relationship. It was too fast and we were too young and stupid to manage an adult relationship. We had amazing fire and passion, and while that was really good when it was good, it was also really bad when it was bad. We fought quite a lot in the few months we were together and in one bad fight he hit me. I left and never went back. I talked to him a few times after- once to arrange to get back into our apartment for my things without him being there, and another time when he called me drunk a few months after everything was over and told me how sorry he was and how I was the best thing to ever happen to him and all the drivel that sorry drunks say.

This is the story that Matt knows. It's none too exciting. I think a lot of us have a bad relationship like this in the past. I haven't told Matt details about it, mostly because he hasn't asked, and a little because there are parts of that relationship that I keep to myself. I felt really good in my relationship with John until those last few weeks. I was confidant in myself, I felt sexy and desired and amazing. Don't get me wrong. The fighting was awful. I hated that part. But when things were good between us, I felt like John would put the world at my feet if he could.

If I could cut and paste from past relationships, I would use Matt as my template. I would cut some things from him and from John I'd paste that passion and devotion.

I know Matt loves me, but I want more than that.

Back Again

2008-02-10T00:01:00.001-06:00

Sorry it's been a few weeks since the last post. To be honest, there has been nothing to write about. It's nice to say that! We had our ceremony and everything went well. We went away for the weekend after the ceremony and it was nice to just be a couple for a few days. We want to make more time for that.

Life has been, well, normal. I'm getting back into work, the kids are doing well, Matt and I are great. We took a short break from counseling and started back last week talking about individual issues rather than couple issues. Last week was just the prep work- talking about what we want to discuss at future visits. Matt specifically asked that I speak with the counselor about a past relationship of mine. I don't know that I can yet- I haven't even really told Matt much about it. This whole thing has me really nervous. It's so weird to be moving in a different direction now. I know these things have to be talked about, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Looking Up

2008-01-17T15:09:00.000-06:00

For the last year and a half the world has looked progressively dimmer, save the one bright point of Jack being born. He is such a sweet kid by the way. He's really catching up developmentally to where he should be. His doctor is hopeful that he'll be at just the right development points by 15 or 18 months. He is such a happy kid-- what a joy! And Michael is doing well right now. He's finally adjusting to the new routine of not being in a care program and sharing me with work a little bit. He's doing much better about playing on his own for little bits of time or playing next to me while I work. I'm so proud of him.

And then there's me and Matt-- since we set a date to get "re-married" it's been a little like a second honeymoon and we haven't even had the ceremony yet. We're trying to talk with each other only once a week about problems that come up and kind of address it like our marriage is a business. We both understand the business world more than anything else and this has helped us tremendously. First of all I know that there is definitely going to be a chance for me to be heard about any issues I may have, and secondly Matt doesn't feel like we're *always* talking about the relationship. Both of our very different needs being met in that one evening. I never thought we'd resolve that particular recurring issue, but we have!

Matt has really been helping me out with getting time to work. I didn't think he'd be as receptive to watching the boys more as he was and it's been a huge weight off my shoulders to just have 3-4 dedicated hours to really dig in and get into the harder things for work without fear of being interrupted! I must trust him more with these things instead of just assuming he'll shoot me down. He often surprises me in this way, and I need to just assume that he will help me.

There has to come a point where everything starts to look up, right?

Maybe this is it.

When I next post Matt and I will be starting over. I'm so excited for this ceremony!

New Rings & Stress

2008-01-06T02:16:00.000-06:00

Matt and I got new rings this week. We've been talking in counseling about what we need from this ceremony to really feel closure and for me it is new rings. I'm not a big jewelry girl. I'm home most of the time between work and kids, therefore no one to show off to. But I want a new symbol. I haven't worn my original rings much since everything happened. I've gone through periods of wearing them and then not, but now I want to wear rings to symbolize my marriage, but not the old ones. I don't even really know why that's so important to me. I'm supposed to think about that this week so that we can talk about it next session.

************

I'm trying to re-learn how to cope with stress. I've dealt with it in a multitude of unhealthy ways in my life. I was anorexic as a teenager, I drank stress away as a college student, after I got out of college and became a responsible adult (you know-- with a real job and a marriage and a mortgage) I started pretending it wasn't there for the longest time and then I'd be super stressed out for the short time I had to actually attend to the problem/test/situation and then it would be over-- like super compressing the stress into a few fun-filled hours instead of stringing it over several days. Since the affair I can't sleep when I'm stressed. I used to be able to tell myself that I'd deal with it in the morning. Now I worry that if I look the other way for even a second that I'll be missing a vital clue to something big.

So I don't sleep. The boys have both been really sick and I've actually got Jack sleeping in our room the last two nights because I'm so nervous about his respiratory stuff. I think Matt is starting to get it too. He's trying not to let it show, but it's hard to hide a cough.

I'm stressing mostly about work. This time of year is all about what you can offer that is new and exciting for the client, and I'm worried about to being able to keep up this time around. It only takes one season of being "off" to kick you out of the business and getting back in means completely recreating yourself. I've been trying to put as much extra time as I can into the business without sacrificing the boys or Matt too much. I think we've actually come up with a decent compromise. Matt needs to work late 1 night a week for about the next month and then he's going to take care of the boys 1 full evening for me so that I can work in a solid block that night. He's already giving me two nice chunks of time on weekends, so between those 3 times I think I'll feel more confident about getting things accomplished. We've talked about finding someone to come to our home part time next fall when Michael starts school... maybe we'll move that up a bit and see how it works out. I don't know-- childcare is just another of many mild stressors in my life right now.

How do you manage stress? I can't seem to manage a healthy response. I'm trying to be better about it, but it's just not working yet.

In Response

2008-01-02T22:55:00.000-06:00

Comment left by "Mistress":

If you aren't in love, why marry him again? I don't understand re-committing if
there is no love left. It seems like a big lie. Wouldn't you be better off going
your separate ways?

Who said there is no love?

If you're recalling several posts ago, I think it's been awhile (and quite a bit of counseling and progress) since anything like that was said. And another change-- now that I'm being treated for PPD and my hormones aren't wacko anymore I'm feeling like a normal human being with normal emotions again. Weird how much that changes things.

The thing about recommitting ourselves is the fact that there is no lie. This is very much a "take me as I am" gig. I think we both see the ugly parts of each other and we're walking into this eyes open.

And another quote from "Mistress":

"no starry eyed 'so in love' wedding"That phrase, to me, does not speak of
certain love. It sounds, on paper, like a legal commitment - and maybe that is
all it is. I hope, for your sake Naive, that I misunderstood. I am just curious
as to why someone would want to recommit so quickly unless they WERE starry eyed in love. No offense was intended.I don't know you Kate, but you certainly
presume to know me. Fortunately for me, you have it all wrong. Happy new year!

I understand where you're coming from and I appreciate the concern. To me the phrase "starry-eyed" expresses that all that person is thinking of is the feelings of that moment and not reality of loving long term and maintaining a good relationship. I'm figuring out this love thing again. So no-- not head-over-heels yet, but working on getting there. I'll just say that Matt is doing a great job convincing me that I can get there again.

Now on to the more philosophical portion of this post...

"In Love" vs. "Love"

These two ideas (and the differentiation between them) have caused me more trouble than anything in our recovery since the affair. There is of course that good old "I love you but I'm not in love with you" phrase that most wayward spouses tend to utter at some point- mine included. It's been one of the few things that still hangs with me. How can you love someone and do something like this when you know it's going to break her heart? Is that fleeting "in love" feeling worth it?

I'll admit that after we'd been in therapy for a few months I had this week or two of jealousy building up in me because he'd gotten to experience that "fresh love" feeling. How long have we been married? Ages it seems, and longer than that since I've felt the butterflies of thinking he just might be the one for me and the excitement and tension leading to a first kiss... And I was jealous, because I wanted that again. "In Love" is so very different than "Love".

So we're doing the "in love" things, and god is this marriage different. You can't hold on to the feeling all the time, but if you can create it once or twice a week, it sure works a miracle.

Hitting Refresh

2007-12-16T23:43:00.000-06:00

Matt asked me to marry him.

Again.

So we're getting "re-married" in January. New vows, non-traditional, just us and a very select group of about 5 people who have helped us through everything.

We're having a do-over if you will. No starry-eyed "so in love" wedding. This is a ceremony of commitment and a fresh page for us... remembering the past to make our future better. There is nothing about this that makes me think "oh, this is really it" or anything like that. It's just a way for both of us to acknowledge the work we've both put in to our relationship and that we are ready to be a different couple than we've been before.

I know there are all different feelings about a ceremony of this sort, and until recently I would never have considered it. In fact, the thought of renewing a commitment to Matt just about made me sick. I'm ready now though. I'm ready to commit myself back to the relationship with my eyes fully opened. I'm ready to see where we're going.

Down to the Real Problems

2007-12-03T23:35:00.000-06:00

Matt and I have spent the last few weeks in pretty intensive counseling. Two or three times a week we've been going, trying to hash things out.

Our problems:

1. I have this overwhelming desire to analyze every single aspect of every single thing that happens in my life. It's how I've always been. I don't remember ever being different than this.

2. Matt has the overwhelming desire to bury everything and pretend it doesn't exist.

3. When I try to analyze things with him he wants to bury it and run off and I drive him mad and he drives me mad.

This is basically what it comes down to. There are other nitpicky problems, but basically it's the fact that we're polar opposites that is causing us problems at this point. And they're not bad problems any more. Just getting on each other's nerves every once in awhile problems. We're working on how to manage these little problems as they come up so that neither of us bottle it up and then explode on the other person. Or let it get so bad that we contemplate leaving.

And you know what I realized after last night's session? None of this has revolved around affair-related things. These are the true problems in our relationship-- nothing to do with that one action.

Ahhh, relief.

Future Things

2007-11-16T15:02:00.001-06:00

I suppose we might be alright now. I'm taking one thing as a major sign. Matt keeps talking about future things.

He has two vacations planned-- a family vacation for the 4 of us, and a get-away for just us.

It wasn't very long ago that I would have thought him to be awfully bold thinking like that. I might have even said, "who even knows if there will be an *us* next year to go on a vacation?" I don't say that to him, but I still think it. I'm trying not to and I'm trying to be enthusiastic about the fact that he is planning for us.

I feel like I've aged 20 years in the last year and a half. Every bit of my day is spent planning and organizing and worrying over the mundane things of every day life. If I don't do it no one will, and it must be done... I wish I was able to stretch myself creatively again-- not for a client-- just for myself...

In a way I wish I could go back to who I was before finding out about Matt's affair. I miss my fun creative self. I don't really wish it though-- I never want to be that naive again.

Success

2007-11-02T15:07:00.000-05:00

All this craziness the last 6 or 8 weeks between me and Matt? Turns out it was me.

I'd say my fault, but there's no fault in this. It is post partum depression on a massive level. I don't want to do details, but I wasn't sleeping at all and was highly paranoid-- enough that Matt took me in to my doctor who promptly put me on meds and I'm back to myself finally.

So in celebration of having my brain back, I have a positive and uplifting question for you.

What in your life makes you feel successful? Your career? your kids? Spouse? Finishing your "to do" list?

I felt succesful on a personal level once I'd been in business for about 2 years. I wasn't working crazy hours building the business up anymore because I had steady clients and I really loved me work. I never imagined feeling more successful that I was in that place.

Then I had Michael. The first few months were chaos. I had imagined motherhood to be a completely different thing than it actually was and I was unprepared for that. However, when Michael was about 6 months old I realized that I had never felt so competent.

Now, of course, I alternate between feeling like I'm on top of everything kid-wise and feeling like I need to give him to real parents who might actually know how to get those vegetables into him without a war breaking out everytime. But hey-- that's life with a pre-schooler, right?

So what makes you feel successful?

Tagged

2007-10-26T14:19:00.000-05:00

I've been tagged by akakarma-- so I'll play.

Instructions;
1. Link to your tagger and post rules.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself, some random and some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of post and list their names.
4. Let them know they were tagged by a comment on their blog.

So, seven weird facts about me...

1. I always do the crosswords in the daily paper. I do them in little bits throughout the day, but if I don't get it finished before bed I dream about the clues. Very weird, I know.

2. If there is more than one item on my dinner plate, I eat clockwise and all of one item before moving on to the next, starting with the food I like the least. It's some kind of strange compulsion.

3. I have to have things organized in front of me before I can start any type of project. I used to make endless amounts of lists and charts on paper, but now I have a folder on my computer just for my list-making.

4. I always hope that fortune cookies will prove to be true.

5. I'm on a diet (a fact which is neither strange nor random, but is making me progressively grumpier).

6. I used to read like crazy. Even after Michael was born I spent any free time reading book after book. I can't remember the last book I read for pleasure...

7. When I was a kid my mom told me that she thought I would grow up to be in a certain profession and I did just about everything possible to ensure that that wouldn't happen (just because I have this undeniable urge to do the precise opposite of absolutely everything she says). Yet, here I am, in exactly the place she predicted I'd be. And she was right- I do love my job.

I won't tag anyone, but if you do decide to play along with this, post a comment here so I can come and read your post. :)

Love Languages

2007-10-08T00:26:00.000-05:00

We finished reading the Love Languages book. I started it back in June and then it got put aside until this week, and Matt and I had a sort of marathon reading session.

Matt's love language is acts of service, specifically the house being clean. That speaks volumes to him when I get things done around the house. Of course that's the lowest score I had, and it is the hardest one for me to do because I just don't think that way. I'm trying very hard this week and I've been somewhat successful. I'll get better.

My love language is physical touch. I need that type of contact all the time or I feel completely cut off. And once again Matt and I are opposites and that is his lowest score. He doesn't think of touching me affectionately outside of sex so it doesn't happen often. He has promised to try to be better too, just as I'm trying to be better about acts of service for him.

It was nice to have something structured to talk through. Half the time when we talk about us I feel like we both just ramble aimlessly. Apparently we need to go to counseling more often to relearn how to talk to each other.

Order

2007-10-05T15:18:00.000-05:00

We've had a few weeks now of "normal" life. Jack is doing well, Michael is well, and I'm getting back into work (still stressed there but things are coming together). We've pretty much adjusted to the boys being home with me for now, but we're still looking for part time care so that I can be a little more productive when I'm working rather than working in 10 minutes intervals.

Matt and I haven't been talking about any relationship stuff. To be honest it has been hard for me because this has consumed my brain for over a year now (save the time when Jack was born and in the hospital) and I went about 3 lovely days without thinking about it and then the other night woke up in a panic with all these horrible relationship related thoughts pounding through my head. I didn't talk to Matt about it. I'm trying to talk myself down. I know Matt has appreciated the break though, and that is worth it.

I'm feeling psychotic again. It's how I spent all of last summer and fall-- feeling like a maniac. Only then it was because I compulsively went over every detail of Matt's day, checking his phone and bank records, searching his computer, everything I could possibly do to make myself feel like he might really be telling the truth. I needed hard evidence of that fact. I haven't been searching again. I feel crazy now because the stress in my life is eating me alive. Just the work of trying to take care of our financial situation keeps me up til ungodly hours. We're in pretty bad shape now because I've basically not been working since July, and before that was working in a very limited capacity. So we've eaten through half of our savings even though we cut back our living expenses quite a bit when I went on bed rest, and we're still waiting on a few hospital bills to get through the insurance process.

I'm really struggling with PPD this time. Or maybe it's not PPD and it's general depression. I don't know. I really don't feel overwhelmed by the mothering part of life. I'm loving having my boys home with me most of the time. It's the rest of life that is sucking me dry. Finances, trying to get work going again, Matt... if I have to give any more of myself, I'm going to fall over. I really feel like I'm alone in dealing with everything, and if I bring anything up I'm putting stress on Matt that he doesn't want/need and that will just push him away again.

I don't know how to balance things right now. I can't seem to talk to him about things that really need to be addressed without it turning into a major fiasco, but keeping it to myself is eating me up. I am a smart woman. Why the hell can't I figure out how to bring order to my life?

I'm feeling very foolish right about now.

Thank you, akakarma

2007-09-28T21:05:00.000-05:00

From akaKarma in the comments of last post:

You two are deservedly exhausted right now. Sometimes all you can do is retreat
to your separate corners and heal a bit, lick wounds before you are able to come
together again. The little stuff is the hardest stuff isn't it? It wears you
down. I was not prepared for marriage and motherhood and how hard it was. When
my H had hid A I was at the pinnacle of feeling like it was drudgery (even tho I
was crazy for my child) and I felt like I was slogging thru the mud every day. I
think he did too and found a way out in fantasy- a choice I like to think I
wouldn't have made. Hang in there and just see what happens- stop working so
hard to be perfect and connected- just be for awhile. If you both can just
commit to staying out of other relationships that might be enuf right now?

Wow, did that comment speak to me. Thank you very much for it.

I brought this up to Matt, and he was tremendously relieved. We're both tired of working hard at this-- it's all we've been doing for the last year, and we need a break. So our break has had the following rules: Spend time together or apart as we want to, no expectations on Matt sleeping in our room or not, no relationship talk (including separation), no seeing other people.

We've been on our "break" for a week, and Matt has come home at a decent hour almost every night since, and has asked me to watch movies or spend time with him a few evenings. He's slept in our bed with me every night but the first. Last night he asked what he could do to help me get my work life back on track.

Was I putting that much pressure on him-- on us? Apparently so and I didn't see it. I feel like an idiot. I feel like I never know how to deal with things anymore. This is just another example.

Akakarma? You may have saved us for now.

My Chosen Path

2007-09-20T00:36:00.000-05:00

We all make decisions that direct our path. There are the big decisions that are easy to see-- mile markers if you will. Getting married or divorced, having a child, buying a house and other such choices are the mile markers in our lives. I remember a lot of things lately as "when I was pregnant with Michael" or "when Michael had just turned one" or "just after we got married". It's hard for me to say exactly when something happened by precise date until I think of the mile marker event that it is nearest to.

Those big decisions are so easy to see and it is easy to give them the proper weight that they deserve when considering your options. I thought for a long time about whether or not I should marry Matt and rightly so. It's a decision that changes the path of your life and there's no telling the new direction.

And then there are those small decisions that you can't know about or prepare for. Like choosing to take a certain route home-- not your normal route, but a way that gets you there just the same. You might get home the same as always, but you also might get in an accident you may not have gotten in if you had just kept to your normal route.

My chosen path, as Matt was referring to in last post, was my decision to stay and work things out in our relationship. He acknowledges that once he decided to stay that I also had a decision to make considering the devastation to our relationship post-affair. I chose to stay and work.

And this is how things have turned out. We kind of just survived until last February when something seemed to click inside Matt's head and suddenly he got it and made drastic changes. He's kept the big changes (no close relationships with other women, letting me know what he's up to when he's out outside of work hours, keeping his accounts and phone open to me, etc.) but all the small things? Poof. Disappeared.

Why?

He's tired of keeping it up.

And I understand that. I'm tired of this whole thing too. It's not about the affair anymore. It's about us and the problems we have in trying to maintain our relationship. I've been feeling particularly awful in this relationship for several weeks now. I kept trying to pinpoint the problem and couldn't so I finally decided that I must be in a weird place and I'd get over it. And then in having a mundane argument (something household related that I don't remember) he said that this is what I've chosen for myself. And that's when it hit me.

I've put myself here, and I hate where I am on my chosen path.

Back Again

2007-09-18T09:40:00.001-05:00

Since I was last here...

1. We pulled Michael out of the daycare program he was in. Four of the teachers quit or resigned within one week, and that makes me really nervous about the management of the place. So we are looking for a new program or private care, which is really stressing me out for some reason. I don't even know why, but it's constantly on my mind.

2. Because of this, I'm kind of doing the stay-at-home mom thing right now, but trying to work at least part time because I need to get my income flowing again, and I can't do that unless I'm billing hours. So I'm doing mommy stuff most of the day and then working during Michael's afternoon naptime (which Jack currently sleeps through too, thank goodness!) and then for a few hours every evening after the boys are in bed. I'm going to need to start trying to get up earlier than them too and see if I can at least answer emails or something small before they get up.

3. Matt and I talked about separating last week. I can't talk to him anymore, and he works late so that he doesn't have to come home. I'm not sure how we got back here, but I know that this time around I don't care. I can't keep cycling through this with him. I can't do this every year for the rest of our lives. The thought of separating from him exhausts me... I'm worried about managing everything on my own, but at the same time, I'm already managing 95% on my own, what's that last 5% going to do to me? And at the same time, separating might be a relief... I'm tired of trying to make a relationship work when he's not doing his part anymore. When he was working at it things were going well. Now he's decided that he's done enough work and it should all be over by now. That's what he told me. He told me that I chose this path for us and I need to live with how it turned out.

So he's usually leaving for work before we're up in the morning (or he hangs around basically just long enough to say good morning to the boys) and then he doesn't come home until just before Michael's bedtime. He spends a little time with Michael for about 20 minutes before helping to put him to bed then retreats to his office and either comes to bed after I'm asleep or sleeps in the other room. No real decision has been made yet, so we'll see where this goes.

I apologize for being offline for awhile, but I've been trying to manage life here, and I don't really want to apologize for that, you know?

Update

2007-08-29T14:33:00.000-05:00

Jack has been back in the hospital. He had an infection, and it's gone now but he just came home two days ago. Thank goodness for amazing doctors that were able to quickly diagnose and treat him.

Life is kind of falling apart right now. Matt is working a ton, all of my energy has gone into the boys, and I'm majorly stressed about getting back into work. Because of my extended absence I've lost a few clients and when I start contacting current clients on Monday I'm sure I'll find that they've found other options as well. I'm afraid I'm in for several months of rebuilding.

I haven't really seen Matt since Sunday night. He went to the hospital with me that night, and then I saw him briefly Monday morning before he went to work and I went to the hospital. He didn't come home until after 10 Monday night and last night. Hopefully work stuff will settle soon for him too...

Last Night

2007-08-10T20:51:00.000-05:00

Last night I went to the hospital to see Jack and there was a new baby in the NICU. The parents came in after I'd been there for awhile, the father pushing the mother's wheelchair. He parked her as close to their baby's bed as he could, and she started crying when she saw their little one. He crouched next to her and I could tell that he was repeating back whatever it was that the doctor had told him about their little one. She broke down and sobbed into her hands. He put his arms around her and held her for the longest time. They talked again for a little while and then he kissed her lightly on the lips and the way he looked at her-- like he'd never been more in love, even though it was one of the most difficult places to be...

I want Matt to look at me like that. god, I want to look at him like that.

Lifting Fog

2007-08-06T13:14:00.000-05:00

I woke up yesterday just after 5 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep. After I rolled around for 20 minutes trying to settle in somewhere, Matt asked what was wrong. I was worried about Jack, but I didn't want to say that at first. I immediately flashed to anger because a part of me started screaming inside that he should know what was wrong-- Jack is still sick! Isn't that enough to keep me up?

I didn't say anything though. Thank goodness.

After a few near silent minutes I told him that I felt like I needed to see Jack right then. Matt didn't say anything for a second, and then he asked if I needed him to come too. I told him I didn't-- it was enough that he had asked.

I got to the hospital just after the sun came up. His overnight nurse was surprised to see me. I don't usually go in until closer to 8 a.m. As I washed my hands in preparation to go into the NICU, I asked about his overnight progress and she answered rather vaguely that he was doing as well as could be expected. She started to walk away and then said, "The doctor wants to talk to you and your husband this morning. Will Matt be able to come in?"

I almost started crying, and I asked what time he should come. She told me to go ahead and call him if he would be awake. I immediately went back out to the family room to call. Matt said he'd be there in a few minutes.

The nurses don't say much. I don't know all the rules about what they are and aren't allowed to tell us, but I know they don't tell us very much. They tell me if he fussed much during the night and how much breast milk he was able to take through his tube, what his weight and vitals were when they last checked-- those types of things. When we ask more detailed questions they always refer us to either the nurse practitioner or the neo-natologist. When I went back in after calling Matt the nurse noticed that I had been crying and she came and sat with me next to Jack's little bed. It's a heated bed since he can't yet maintain his own body heat, and it has clear plastic sides that fold down to make it easy to get to him when needed. She folded down the side closest to us so that I could rub my finger on his side and let him close his fist around my finger. Tears started again.

"It's not a bad talk," she said. "He'll explain when he gets here, but you should know that it's not a bad talk."

I nodded, because I couldn't talk.

The neonatologist came in just after Matt got there. He told us that Jack's improvements are significant enough to try taking him off of a few of the monitors one at a time. He gave us the order they would go in, and the timeline, and as long as all goes well we might be able to try to nurse by the end of the week. If nursing doesn't work out (it's more difficult for early babies I guess because they don't suck as well, and also he's been eating through a tube these last few weeks) then we will try the bottle. To go home he has to be able to eat well through either nursing or bottling, so it's a pretty significant step. And if he eats well he will have to stay just a few more days to prove that he can maintain his good health before he can come home.

So best case scenario, our little boy could be home by the end of next week. He is doing very well. I am a mess, but he is doing well. I will do better when he is home.

Melting

2007-07-28T20:06:00.000-05:00

I'm having a very hard time right now. I've tried to write this post again and again in the last few days, but I suppose I'm out of words. At least for this. I feel like I'm being stretched a million different ways and there just isn't enough of me. I'm at the hospital a few times a day and trying to see Michael and sleep and eat in between those visits. Matt went back to work this week. I'm trying to believe that he didn't have a choice. He certainly painted it that way. I think he's just doing what he always does-- avoiding... finding an escape... I'm trying to believe him. There is no real reason to think he wouldn't be honest about needing to handle these cases right now, right? Except that my gut says not to trust him, and last time I felt like this he was having an affair... But I'm supposed to be able to trust him now, right? He has proven himself over the last few months. He's really done the work. He's been really involved. And I know that I pulled away first this time. I just can't handle all this. People keep saying to me how strong I am-- first with dealing with all the complications with Michael's birth, then dealing with the affair, and now with Jack being sick... It has nothing to do with strength. This is my life and there is nothing I can do but go through these things, apparently. I'm trying hard- I am... I just feel like I never get anywhere. Never. When do I get a chance at life being relaxed and easy for awhile? Why the hell is it never my turn? Just a week. Can I have 1 easy week? I need the break. I'm pulling too thin in all directions and I'm really feeling it. I know that not sleeping isn't helping. I want to sleep, but I can't. My doctor actually gave me something to help with that, but if I take it I want to sleep around the clock, and I need to be there with Jack.

Jack is doing alright. He hasn't been improving by much, but little by little we are seeing positive changes. Mostly he's maintaining, which is a good thing. I couldn't handle the rollercoaster much longer with him. Since he was born every time we went to visit there was more bad news, but in the last few days when I've gone in he's been either just how I left him or a little better. I needed this.

I can't ask Matt for help with this. This is one of those things where our thoughts on the topic are vastly different and I can't bear for him to shoot me down right now. He sees that Jack is getting better, so now he sees no need to worry about him or visit incessantly like I do. I *have* to be with him as much as I can. I HAVE to. I can't explain that to him, because he wouldn't understand. He understands things that have reasons and logic, and I can't explain this except to say that he's my baby and he's sick and I just have to be there with him. So we're pulling apart again, and it's because of me. But I have to. I don't think I have another choice. If he tells me that he doesn't think that I need to be there with Jack I will die inside. I can't hear those words from him. Life is already bad enough, hard enough-- if one more thing happens I will melt.

I just can't anymore.

Surviving

2007-07-21T16:13:00.000-05:00

Jack had some complications from surgery so the 2 or 3 days afterwards we were pretty much at the hospital around the clock. We couldn't hold him-- he was just too fragile and there were too many lines and monitors to disturb. Then there was a whole day without any new complications coming up, and then another day, and then they slowly started taking him off of certain monitors. He's doing much better than he was and the only problems we've run into in the last 2 days have been minor and unrelated to the issues that put him in the NICU. We still don't know how long it will be until he is healthy enough to come home, but the neonatologist told us this morning maybe within a week or two. Having that kind of timeline has helped me to prepare myself in dealing with this next stage.

Michael is staying with grandparents. We were having to patch together a network of people to watch him while we were at the hospital, and it was really hard on him. So he is with grandparents now and much happier, but he really misses seeing me and Matt. This will all be over soon, but how do you explain that to your toddler? I mean he's a smart kid, but kids this age have no concept of time.

So that's the update. We're focusing on surviving right now, and praying for the end of all this.

Waiting

2007-07-13T14:13:00.001-05:00

Jack (the new baby) is having a procedure done today. We're waiting. He's only been in for a little while but we have a long time more to wait until someone comes to talk to us about it. We've both been emailing and calling friends and family to let everyone know what is happening right now. I'm trying to keep busy. Busy is what I'm good at; waiting is where I suck.

The bad thing about the last year of my life has been that most of it I've spent waiting. Waiting for Matt to get his head out of his ass and figure out what he wanted, waiting to find the right meds for him, waiting for something to click in our multitudes of counseling sessions, waiting for my heart to feel something for him again, waiting for something in our lives to go right for once...

And here we are waiting again. Only this time not for us. We've been salvaged, even if there are still many pieces to mend. No, this time we're waiting for our son.

In the midst of all the worries specific to Jack, somewhere in the back of my mind the old fear has risen up-- what if this is the thing that separates me and Matt again? What if this is the thing that pushes us apart? Our natural tendencies are to withdraw from each other and look to ourselves for strength rather than each other. It has been incredibly hard, but we're trying to look to each other for help. Matt finally broke down last night and admitted that he couldn't carry all this alone.

I needed him to say that to me. I need him to need me in things like this.

Baby is Here

2007-07-11T08:40:00.000-05:00

Baby (Jack) is here. I've just been released from the hospital, but he is still there and very very sick. We are looking at endless NICU time due to how early he is and his complications. Matt and I are basically living at the hospital right now. Thank god that my mother is able to be with our older son right now.

I am a million times better now that I am not pregnant and my body is rapidly recovering. For every little bit that I heal it seems like our son gets that much worse.

Matt was able to reschedule almost his entire month worth of work, but he has a few things each week that he absolutely must do. I spent much of yesterday informing my clients of the situation and referring them on to other people if necessary.

This has been so hard. The complications I had with Little Guy (Michael) were exactly that-- MY complications. He was healthy except for a bit of jaundice. I can deal with illness in myself, but not my kids. There is no end in sight for the baby. It seems like every time we take a break from the hospital to go eat or come home and sleep we come back to another setback or a progression in his illness, or another new worry popping up. I can hardly sleep because every time I do I dream that someone calls to tell us that he has died...

I needed so much to write all this down. I needed the release. In a way writing helps me to process things, and that is why this blog has been so helpful. I know you all come here to read about my relationship with Matt and the ups and downs there, but this is one of those things that will dramatically affect us in the days and weeks and months to come, and it is my life right now. It is the whole world right now.

Update

2007-07-02T16:00:00.000-05:00

Sorry to be off so long, but I was in the hospital again. Baby is fine now, I'm fine now, just very tired. It is virtually impossible to sleep in a hospital between all the monitor lights, the little beeps, nurses constantly coming in for vitals... Just a few more weeks until it will be safe for this little one to come, but we discussed with the doctors all the specifics of having him early. They may need to take him early mostly for my health (which obviously affects baby's health) so we're trying to mentally prepare ourselves for a preemie. I go back to the doctor at the end of the week, and then if everything looks better every week thereafter. They want to keep a very close eye though, and if anything looks even slightly bad they'll admit me and keep me til the baby is born.

We're doing as well as can be expected right now I think. Matt was finally able to make a few changes at work so that he can be home more with our son. The kid is taking this really hard. He's not used to being in full time care like he's been for the last several weeks. He likes his teacher very well, but he's used to being with me more, so he's getting some much needed daddy time and visits with me as long as daddy is there to help supervise.

I'm trying to be as unstressed as possible. Which is nearly impossible for a person like me. I'm trying to focus on keeping myself healthy and positive.

Just a few more weeks...

Depression

2007-06-21T13:52:00.000-05:00

The depression is getting worse. I had a doctor's visit this morning and I brought it up and the doctor wants me to see if I can wait to go on meds until after the baby is born. So I'm going to try a couple of dietary changes and he recommended a few vitamin supplements, so I'm going to try that. Hopefully it will at least take the edge off of things. He seems to think it's related to the bedrest, and the more I've thought about it since the appointment I think he's right. This isn't about Matt. He really isn't doing anything wrong. I'm not suicidal or anything, just down and crying a lot and feeling a lot of hopelessness for life in general. I'm so used to being crazy busy, and laying around like this is really getting to me.

Worries

2007-06-18T02:27:00.000-05:00

As you can probably tell from the time stamp I'm up way late. I can't sleep anymore. Too much laying around from bedrest. So I'm out on the couch so that I don't keep Matt up. Only a few more weeks til we hit a safe point and then I can be up to semi-normal things without fear of baby coming too soon. I have to keep reminding myself how important the rest is so that I don't go absolutely nuts.

I've written this post over and over trying to find the right way to say what I'm feeling right now. I guess the only thing to say is that I'm absolutely petrified.

I feel completely neglected and disconnected from Matt in the past 4-5 days. He's still taking care of everything he's supposed to . . . except me. And this is what I've been afraid of. This feels exactly like this point in my pregnancy with Little Guy. Matt was so busy taking care of everything else that he forgot about me and when he got back to me he found me busy trying to adjust to a new baby and struggling with depression and he went elsewhere.

We've talked about this. He knows what I think, and he doesn't believe it's the same. He keeps saying that he knows better this time. I'm sure that's true, but I still feel like I'm on the outside of everything knocking on the door to be let in, and him completely ignoring my cries. My brain is telling me to cut everything off now so that I won't be hurt again in a few months. It's hard to give Matt the benefit of the doubt when my gut is screaming for me to run.

There's no reason to think that there's anything going on with Matt and OW or anyone else. I think this is just my insides trying to protect me from the potential possibilities.

I don't feel like he's listening any more. I feel like he thinks I have nothing to offer him right now since I'm not out in the world doing and experiencing. And I think I'm a little depressed from the bedrest. I feel completely cut off from everyone right now, not just Matt, and that has really hit me hard. I didn't think it would be this bad. I feel like an annoyance to him. I know he has no idea what I'm going through physically and mentally in regards to the baby, but I desperately wish that he would just make an effort to try to understand. I feel like he instantly shuts me off if I say anything about how I'm feeling that day or any worries I have about the baby. Maybe he's tired of hearing about it, but I really need to talk about it. It's the healthiest way I know to cope with the fears I'm having, and I NEED to do it. I wish he would understand that.

Can PPD start before the baby is born? Maybe that's the problem. I feel terrible. I'm anxious and upset all the time.

Reliance

2007-06-08T20:20:00.000-05:00

One of my biggest fears during this pregnancy has been that Matt will flake out on me when the baby actually comes. When we had our son he was awesome in the hospital taking care of things, but the second we got home it was all up to me to take care of myself and the baby post surgery. He didn't completely back out of life; he did the token dad thing. He'd come home from work and say hi to the baby and me and hold him for short times every once in awhile but basically go about life as if absolutely nothing had changed. On the other hand, my entire world had been flipped upside down. I had medical complications from the birth that took over 3 months to completely take care of, and the depression issues that I have struggled with all my life came up again as Post-Partum Depression. I was just beginning to do better with the PPD when D-day came.

I have been so worried that this time will be a repeat. We've talked briefly about it a handful of times. He knows that it worries me, and he's been quick to reassure me that things are different now. And they are different now, but still... what is going to be the one thing that triggers a reoccurence? Will the stress of having another newborn send him back to that same place?

I've been on bedrest for a few weeks now, and I've been in the hospital once. They were able to stop the contractions and I'm home now, but under strict orders to be in bed. I'm done working until I'm cleared by my doctor to go back (probably 6 weeks post-partum). Thank god for understanding clients.

And thank god for Matt.

I didn't think I'd be able to say that, but Matt has really stepped up and been amazing. He's not only taking care of household cleaning (he's hired someone to come in weekly, and I don't care as long it gets done and he's the one that made all the arrangements) but he's taking care of the details of getting our son to and from daycare, and finding someone to care for Little Guy if he has to work in the evenings or on weekends. He's been working from home as much as possible to be available to me to get food and things that I need and take me to the doctor, and he's been taking the time to care for me emotionally. I've been so worried about the baby and crying at least once a day (which is completely out of character for me) and he has been there to really help me instead of offering up the bland "everything will be fine" spiel.

I almost don't know what to think. I really didn't expect this. I thought he would disengage by now. I thought he'd make a good effort for a few days and that he'd get tired of taking care of everything, but here he is, three weeks into this mess and still going. It boosts the trust little by little, but I'm not ready to make the leap into believing that he'll support us the whole way. The big test will actually be once the baby comes. Then I might be able to say that I know for sure that he has changed. I'm just waiting. I can't afford to assume too much. I'm emotional enough now as it is-- I can't handle that kind of disappointment on top of this. But at the same time, he is doing so well, and I want to give him credit for that. I guess I'm waiting to see if he's really in this for the long term. We've only really been doing well and making significant strides for 4 months, even though d-day was over a year ago.

So can I rely on him? I'm glad to say that so far it's been a big fat yes. But I'm still taking it day by day, and hoping for the best. I need to have hope right now.

The Ring Thing

2007-05-27T15:10:00.000-05:00

Do you wear your rings since you found out about the affair?

I took them off for the period of time right after I found out until he committed to staying, and then I put them back on with enormous relief. When the anger phase hit about a month later I took them off for a long time. When I found out I was pregnant and got over the shock I put them back on for about a week, but then I couldn't do it emotionally and I took them back off half-heartedly blaming it on swelling hands (which is true at this point, but not when I first took them off) and I've been ringless ever since.

Matt wants to buy me a simple band that fits for right now until the swelling and stuff does go away-- something to wear for while I'm in this last stage of pregnancy (aka whale status) and in the few weeks after before my hands get back to normal. It's only the second comment he's ever made about me not wearing my rings. (The original comment was back when I first took them off. I think he noticed right away, but he didn't say anything for about a week. Then he asked why I didn't wear them, and I simply told him I couldn't and left it at that. He was very sad about it, but hasn't bothered me about it since.)

I told him I really had to think about it. It felt at first like the few times he's asked if I would be willing to renew our vows, and every time he's asked I've felt physically ill, and worse the more I thought about. This time with the ring thing, I've been thinking about it for a few days, and it makes me feel a little hopeful. He's been really open about how important this is to him, and in a way it's the most vulnerable he's been in a little while. And I don't feel sick thinking about letting him put on another ring. So this is what I think I'm going to tell him:

I'll do the simple band, but I don't want anything expensive. And I'll use this as a first step toward the possibility of renewing our vows (with no promises). I know he would like to renew next year on our aniversary (7 years) and I want to let him know that I'm honestly thinking about it, but not making guarantees. I don't want to completely shut him down, when I haven't shut the idea completely out of my mind yet. There's still a tiny piece of me that wants that romantic sweep-me-off-my-feet-again moment, but it's just a sliver.

I wrote this post a few days ago and let it sit to see if there was anything I wanted to add. Since then Matt and I have talked about this and my fears connected with the rings. We both have a new plain inexpensive band with the intention of buying really nice good bands if/when we renew vows. I hope to get to that point one day, but I've made him no guarantees that it will be at next year's anniversary like he hopes. But I haven't ruled it out.

We're exchanging our bands tomorrow night.

Feeling Love

2007-05-27T14:07:00.000-05:00

Do any of you in the reconciliation process really feel that you love your spouse? Not the deep love that keeps you there in the first place... that *feeling* of loving them? I'm still numb a lot of the time. Numb isn't exactly the word I mean, but it's the closest I can think of. I don't feel anything strongly towards him. Not anger or hate or love or happiness... there's no real emotion there anymore. That's one thing that still makes me wonder if maybe he and I should split even with all the hard work we've both put into making this work. It's just a tiny nagging thought. Now there is just... comraderie maybe. Friend-ness. He's the guy I hang out with and laugh with and raise children with. Not the guy I'm passionately in love with.

For a long while I went through an anger phase where just about everything pissed me off, even things that weren't specific to the affair. But I took that as a sign that there was still some kind of spark there between us, because I just don't get to that kind of rage without there being an intense level of connection there. I don't get that angry with just anyone, you know? So I thought that that level of hurt and frustration and anger was an indicator of the love I had for him-- the betrayal factor was higher because I loved him so much.

Now, not so much. Maybe it's because before this happened I couldn't imagine my life without him. Now I can. I've had to do that, and I'm still partially prepared to make that leap if I have to.
Maybe I've just incorrectly defined love all this time. Some girls think love=sex or love=money or whatever... I saw love=lifetime and commitment, and I don't mean that in the cheesy cliched way that so many women think of those ideas. My idea of commitment was truely lifetime through all that is ugly and hard to deal with. I've handled a lot of things with this man when I really wanted to run away, but I didn't because of that commitment. His infidelity has just been the sharpest blow. I don't see love that way anymore. Even though things are going well right now, I always think there might be a coming day when there could be a split-- and probably not over an affair. Before d-day I *never once* imagined it.

Is this just my pessimism at its finest? I really struggle with that part of my personality. I'm constantly fighting against it in my work life and now it's in my personal life. I feel like I'm pulling the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" scam that he tried to pull on me on d-day. Maybe the deeper love I feel I have for him isn't really there. The "in love" thing definitely isn't there, and I doubt it ever will be. Maybe I've fooled myself into believing the deeper love exists between us to justify the fact that I'm staying with him even after this betrayal.

I know that the "right" answer to all of this is that the deeper love is more important and that the "in love" feeling fades. But I want to feel *something* again. It doesn't have to be grand and romantic and storybook... but it needs to be real.

Is it one of those "fake it til you make it" things? Like if we keep putting in the time and energy and work that it will come back for me? That I'll be able to look at him and think how much I love him? I have very specific memories of looking over at him while he was watching t.v. or reading or something totally boring and thinking, "god, I love this man."

I want something like that back.

And when I am honest with myself, I want it with Matt.

Hearing the Words

2007-05-23T14:09:00.000-05:00

Despite a much better pregnancy this time, I'm starting to have some problems. I don't want to go into any details, but it looks like I'll be on bedrest for at least a few weeks to help this little one mature enough to have a good chance. If things progress I may be going into the hospital early. If that happens, things will go silent here for awhile. Don't worry-- we're probably fine. I had much worse complications with Little Guy and he and I came through just fine. I'm not terribly worried, just trying to be reasonably cautious.

Thank god for my laptop and an awesome care provider for our son. I'm so worried about how Little Guy is going to deal with things already, and to add on top that I'm sick and he's not old enough to really understand why I can't get down on the floor to play trucks, or even to get him a cup. I'm not to get up except for bathroom, food and shower. How do you explain that to a toddler? It makes it a little harder that I'm home and available to him more hours a day now that my big contract is up. My work week is drastically cut back (thank goodness!), but that means that my son thinks that means I should be able to play the whole time. I'd love to, but it just can't be. I'm allowed to work from bed, but that means no client meetings. Clients have been wonderful about the sudden change, and I just have to keep my updates going to keep them happy. I can do all of that from the computer, no need to be up.

Matt and I are doing okay. I wish he would show his concern more, but I know he keeps from telling me when he's worried about me because he doesn't want to worry me more. When I was in labor with Little Guy and they told me I had to go in right away for surgery, he told me I'd be great and so would the baby, and then he went out in the hall with his mom and cried like crazy. He told me later he thought he'd lose both of us. Of course, he didn't tell me that until almost a year later, and only because we had a session concerning the trauma of our son's birth...

I will never really understand this part of it-- the fact that I have told him over and over that he needs to tell me these things means nothing. He still holds back. Because of that I felt like he didn't really care that I and the baby were having problems back then, and I'm feeling pretty much the same thing right now. This time I know better, but the feeling is still there. It makes me wonder a little if he really doesn't care as much this time since he knows I've come through much worse. He's been trying to come home earlier and leave a little later in the morning to spend time with little guy, and he's taken over all the household stuff that I usually do. To him that says "I care, I'm concerned, I love you." And I know that now. But a girl still likes to hear it in real words.

That Belated D-day Post

2007-05-16T14:01:00.000-05:00

D-day was just bad. I was on the verge of tears all day long and when we got to counseling I just cried and cried. There was no real reason behind it, no particular trigger, but I couldn't help it. Maybe it's because I haven't cried about anything in so long. Matt sat there looking bewildered the whole time. He really didn't know what to do, and that's the bad part for him. There really is nothing for him to do for me when this hits me except to make me feel that it's okay that I feel this way. There's nothing he can do to fix this. It just has to be how it is when emotions like this come up. He hates that part because he wants to fix absolutely everything.

There was no real progress and not a ton of talking; I just cried. It was like mourning the loss of our relationship again. The good thing is I felt much better the day after-- like I had to get rid of some of that stress or something.

The worst day was actually on Sunday. Last year that was the day that he went to see Jessica one last time before he really committed to being here with our family. He was barely gone at all to see her (a little under 45 minutes) but it felt like a week. I had actually been doing okay on Sunday until we went shopping and ran into Jessica. She saw us right after I saw her and I thought for a second she was going to come over. Matt grabbed my arm and steered me the other way. After that I couldn't stop thinking about all the possibilities-- what if she started calling or texting or emailing again? What if he started it? What if this was the beginning of the end? What if, what if, what if... And that went on for ages. I still don't know if I'm completely done dealing with that little 5 second ordeal. I feel so psychotic sometimes, and this is one of them.

Bad thing is that that little encounter triggered an episode for Matt and he's been in a major down spiral ever since. He's taking his meds regularly and sleeping a lot, but this episode is far different than anything I've ever experienced with him. Usually he is very irritable and snaps at everything for a week or two, but this time he's sunk so low that it's hard to watch. In his own way he's reliving last year, this time with the tremendous weights of remorse and regret. It's getting better day by day but we probably still have another week or two to ride out. At least these episodes are getting further apart-- the medication has helped so much now that we've got all the dosage stuff sorted out.

There are only a few more affair-related anniversaries for me to get through and then I'm done for this year. I can focus on life in the present and hope that next year's affair anniversaries will be a little easier to go through. I know it will still be rough, but hopefully it will lesson a little bit each year.

Be Back Soon

2007-05-11T13:32:00.000-05:00

I know I said I'd post again earlier this week with a real post, but Little Guy and I are both down with a virus. I'm finally starting to get over it, but Little Guy is really struggling and miserable. I'll be back once we get back on our feet. I'm working in little bits on that post I promised about our D-Day anniversary, so when I get it done I'll post.

Naming Things

2007-05-08T14:04:00.000-05:00

You'll notice that names have been assigned to the major players in my story. The list is on the right, just so that everyone knows what's going on. Names will be easier to use than the initials I've been using all along, and now that I really know I'm sticking with this blogging thing it's just better and easier for all of us.

Yesterday was *the day* and we marked the occasion by sitting in counseling for quite a long time. I did not do so well yesterday, and today is not looking any better. I'll write a proper post about it later tonight.

My Apologies

2007-05-02T14:00:00.000-05:00

Please forgive yesterday's post. It is possibly one of the least coherent things I've ever written. I'd blame it on drinking, but y'all know I'm pregnant and responsibly so.... therefore not drinking.

After talking a very long time about this news with my therapist and then with my best friend, I feel much better. And not so resigned to give up.

My therapist has suggested to me that WS finally feels safe enough in our relationship to tell me this, and for WS it is another step on the road to a completely honest relationship. He did tell me very strictly though to lay it on the line with WS and tell him that if there was anything else I should know about that it should be said now. Letting truth trickle out will be a deal breaker. End of story. It was nice to get a sort of "permission" to put that into words.

My best friend basically expressed the same thing-- tell it all now-- if he won't then I won't waste anymore time on him. This one step can prove a lot to me. We'll see how it plays out. We have a little appointment with each other for tomorrow night to talk more about affair related things. We both needed today to kind of be apart from each other and think things through. Tomorrow we'll be able to have a real conversation about this rather than the jumbled mess you witnessed from me yesterday. I'm not a looney, I swear. Just upset and rambling some yesterday.

Happy D-Day to Me!

2007-05-01T14:06:00.000-05:00

We talked.

He told her several times that he loved her. They talked about getting married and having a future together. They talked about seeing my son. They talked about how they were so in love with each other that they could hardly stand it... and they never talked about me. I was the elephant in the room, never acknowledged, but always there. Like if either of them mentioned me that would make what they were doing wrong, but if they pretended I didn't exist things would be just fine in fanatasy land.

The anniversary is less than a week away. The day I found out, the day he told me to move out (and I packed everything), the 3 weeks I didn't eat because just putting food in my mouth made me gag. I don't think I slept more than 2 or 3 hours a night for those few weeks either. I aged about 10 years last May.

He asked again if I wanted to renew our vows. I told him no and to stop asking-- I'll let you know if I change my mind. I wanted to say, "no, you idiot-- I have nothing to renew, and it certainly wouldn't be with you since you couldn't get it right the first fucking time!" Good on me for keeping things civil.

And saving the best news for last... when we were newly engaged (as in 2 or 3 days), WS had to meet his ex-wife to sign some papers. They'd been divorced for about a year and there was some minor legal thing about who had what car and which car was in which name, etc. Anyway, they had to sign something about it, and he went to her house. It was a nasty divorce, no kids, and she'd had multiple affairs during their 9 months of wedded bliss. (I know this from outside sourves, not just from WS. I trust that it's true that she was the one cheating and not him.) Not only did they sign papers, but he told her that he was getting married again and she said she was happy that he was happy, blah blah, blah, and she made some comment they laughed about and wouldn't you know that that led to them having accidental sex? And then he came home to see me and tell me that she threw herself at him and he had to tell her he was getting married to get her to back off.

But between the ex-wife and OW there was no one else supposedly.

Why didn't I trust my instincts back then and save myself the fucking trouble? Oh yeah-- I was soooooo in love and *my* loving wonderful man would n-e-v-e-r do that to me!

I just don't have it in me to deal anymore. I can't stand the thought that 5 years from now I'll be looking at another OW being part of my life. I've been waiting for that other shoe to drop, and instead I got an anvil to the head. I can't take the grand piano that is probably waiting for me a few years down the road.

Giving up?

2007-04-24T10:33:00.000-05:00

I really have to get back to work, but my mind won't stop swirling around this topic. I'm hoping that writing and posting will help me focus again.

********

The whole thing is a long story, so here's the short version. This is one of the busiest weeks of the year for me at work. Every year I am majorly stressed out about this week starting at the beginning of the month. Yesterday I got a call from the daycare that my son had a fever and I needed to come get him. He has seisures sometimes with fevers, so this was yet another big serious thing on my plate. I picked him up and spent a long time taking care of him before he went down for a much needed nap, and then I had to try to mentally place myself back into work to get done the zillions of things that have to be done this week.

I called WS, told him that our son was sick again and could he please run a few errands for me between clients or after work? I could tell in his voice that he really didn't want to, but he agreed. I started to hang up, but then he said something about always taking care of everything around here and I so wanted to throttle him. I told him exactly what I had to get done today *around* caring for a sick child, and he said, "I'm just tired of you picking on me to get things done and never thanking me for it." I asked him when exactly I'd been "picking" on him-- I'd asked if he could please help me out by doing a few things (regular errands that are somehow always my responsibility to take care of). How was that picking on him? He said that it implied that he doesn't do enough around here and that he's tired of me being ungrateful for all the things he does. "It's not all about you!" he said before hanging up.

He came home from work after our son was already in bed for the night and I kept working on all the stuff I hadn't gotten done while he watched sports. He didn't say hi when he came in, but then he talked about some statistical sports thing for 20 minutes like I was his best pal. I told him around 10 that I was heading to bed, and he followed shortly. He asked if it was okay to leave the light on and read while I went to sleep. Sure. Whatever.

I hated laying next to him. I didn't want him to touch me. It's like going back to last May and the weeks after finding out about everything. I can hardly talk to him even today because I'm so angry. Staying civil demands all my energy. I'm afraid I'll snap at any moment. As long as he's not in the house I'm fine, but as soon as he's home I can practically feel my blood pressure rising.

What's the big deal? "It's not all about you" was his sweet little catch phrase in the few months before I found out about the affair. Anytime I brought up anything to him-- could he please help more with dishes or could he do an extra day of daycare drop off just this week? He would come back with how keeping his schedule is important to him and "it's not all about you and what you want."

I don't know that the use of that phrase yesterday necessarily means anything. I know I'm in a bad spot right now and I know I'm giving meaning to things that have none. It's just another thing eating on me. And in one of our first sessions post d-day I brought up that phrase and how he always made me feel like I was the most selfish person on earth. And he told me that day in counseling that he thought I was amazing at taking care of the others in my life before myself. He said selfishness never registers for him when he thinks of me.

And yet here it is again.

I think I give up. Not in a get a divorce way, but I just can't wrestle with this anymore. I haven't slept in ages- partly because of pregnancy, but mostly because my brain is so busy trying to sort things out. At my last OB appointment I told her I was having a hard time sleeping and she offered a prescription. I can't even sleep when I take that little pill, and those suckers always knock me out. I just can't keep trying to fix this. I feel like it's all on me right now- the stress and the triggers and everything is just sitting on me. And every little thing that comes out of his mouth is making me so angry I'm bubbling over.

I know you all said I need to have a conversation with him about all this, but I don't think I can. I think if I do I'll just find out more crap that I don't want to know about this situation, and I just can't handle it right now.

What do I want?

2007-04-20T14:40:00.000-05:00

god I should never ever say that I think we're doing well. Because as soon as those words leave my mouth I'm due for a crap day and things keep surfacing in my brain that drive me nuts.

Today it's that all I can think of and worry about is whether or not he said "I love you" to her. And I can't call because this is the one day each week that he's unavailable. He won't be done for another few hours.

And nothing has changed-- he hasn't screwed up or said something dumb or *anything*... it's just me being crazy and obsessing about these little details. I'm beating myself to death mentally for not asking him that question before now. Why is it coming up almost a year later??? Because the 22nd that's Sunday and that's that date they had that haunts me. If I had done what I planned that night I would have found out about the mess earlier than I did-- before she spent an entire fucking weekend with him in my house.

So he's doing everything right-- he's working hard in counseling, he's being open, he's being truthful even when it's hard, he's doing all the things I ask of him, he's being a great dad, he's working for our family instead of just for himself... and I can't get over this. I can't stop obsessing. I can't stop thinking about how he wished to be out of here and came so close to leaving. And even though I'm not worried that the situation will repeat, that once was enough. I should have taken the out he gave me. And instead I did the good girl thing and stayed to work things out and begged him back, and I HATE myself for it. I feel like I gave up myself when I did that, and the regret I feel for that moment is killing me.

I wish I'd let him go. No-- I wish I'd kicked him out. I wish I'd stood up for myself and told him exactly what I thought about what he'd done in that moment of rage and grief. I wish that he was the one that had to beg for me to take him back. I wish I hadn't basically laid down in front of him and invited him to walk all over me. I wish I'd been stronger.

And now I've lost that chance. I mean, hasn't he proven that he's in this for real? Hasn't he proved that he's committed not just to staying but to being a real husband and father? Would it be fair of me to change my mind now? Is it fair to our kids? When I really think about it, I don't really want him gone. I don't pine away for a life without him. I have imagined life without him though-- how hard it would be to be a single parent, to try to survive on just my income, to try to get along as a single woman. I don't know if I can.

So what do I really want? It's been hard to think about this, but the topic has been on my mind for a month or so, and I think I've finally got an answer: A man who treats me like the most valued person in his life. A man who looks at me with overwhelming love in his eyes, a man with intense passion meant only for me. Someone who honestly believes that I'm the best thing to ever come into his life. I want connection. I want to be valued.

The next question is, can WS be that man?

And to follow that, can I love him again?

Love/In Love

2007-04-16T14:20:00.000-05:00

I keep having affair dreams.

Until now they've been mostly reliving the actual events, and on occasion it has been my brain imagining WS having a second affair with the same woman.

Last night was different though. I dreamed that it was me that cheated-- that I had a lover that was passionate about me in every way, that thought I was everything, that begged me to leave my husband and be with him forever. And I dreamed about a d-day... about coming home to WS and laying next to him in our bed and talking to him, laughing with him, but feeling nothing for him. And then I told him about all the things in my head-- about not loving him, about finding someone else, about feeling attractive and alive again-- and that it was because of that someone else. I crushed him into the ground. I made sure he knew how little he meant to me and I felt soulless.

The one thing I can't wrap my brain around is the fact that WS says over and over how he never stopped loving me. He says he always loved me even if he did stop being "in love" with me for a time. Now he will say that he both loves me and is "in love" with me. How on earth do you fall in love with another woman when you still love your wife?

I guess to me love is this thing where you would never even consider the possibility of being involved with another person. The very fact that that thought goes through your head would make me question your true love for that person. Love to me is that commitment to sticking by each other even if times are hard or the other person isn't carrying their weight for awhile. That's the stuff that you argue about and work out and then go back to a normal relationship. Love is doing what is best for the other person, even when it sucks or your own needs aren't being met right now-- you do it because you love them, and you talk later about balance in the relationship and about the things that you need.

How can you love me and think it's okay to screw around with someone else? And it's not even about any of the physical stuff-- it's that he says he felt he couldn't depend on me to talk to or be close to-- that I couldn't meet his emotional needs. That's the part that just about kills me when I think about the affair. All he had to do was choose to connect with me rather than someone outside the relationship, and he couldn't even give me a chance to do that. He couldn't even tell me that he felt neglected and give me a chance to fix things. Isn't that what love is to some extent? It's about benefit of the doubt? Giving each other a chance?

And what is with this "I love you but I'm not in love with you" crap that every freaking cheater says? Every time WS uses that "I still loved you" spiel during a discussion or argument I want to strangle him and shout "Cliche! Cliche!" I want to show him somehow that cheater after cheater says the same thing. I cringe everytime he says it.

In case you haven't noticed, this is a bad day. A very bad day in recovery. There is no significance to today as far as being a certain date pertaining the affair. It's just a date where I wonder if it's all really worth it-- all the pain and bad dreams and crying for no real reason...

I guess the good thing is that when I woke up from the dream, I was crying and upset and the reason I woke up was because WS was the one to wake me. He held me and asked what happened, and I told him it was just a bad dream. He asked if I wanted to talk about it, even though it was 4 in the morning, and when I said no he let it go. For me that meant a lot, because he usually tries to bully me into talking about things I'm not ready to talk about. And this morning he asked again if I wanted to talk and my "no" was good enough for him.

Even though this is a crap day, I felt heard by him, and that's a tremendous step forward.

After All of This

2007-04-11T20:18:00.000-05:00

We talked in counseling last night about all of my concerns and how this certain period of time has been really hard on me and will be hard until we get through some of these anniversary dates. And the counselor looked at WS and said, "there is absolutely nothing wrong with her feeling this way. I would expect her to continue to fear these things for a long time." And while there is nothing earth shattering about that statement, it made me feel a lot better just to hear those words from someone in real life. It's okay to feel how I'm feeling.

In the course of the session though, a question came up from WS, and I'm still thinking about it. He asked if in all this time, with all the work we've both put in and all the progress we've made, "Is there still no trust between us? Even after all of this?"

It's such a difficult question, and I wasn't at all prepared to answer it. Because there is trust between us, but not what there should be and not what I think trust really is. I mean, I don't feel the need to check up on him all the time. I trust that when he says he's going to the store/gym/client meeting that he's actually going there. I trust that he is here for me right now.

The issue is, any of that can change in an instant. Almost a year ago I knew we'd hit a rough patch in our relationship, but I had absolutely no clue that an enormous part of WS's withdrawal was because his attention was going to another woman. So who's to say that when the next rough patch hits he won't do the same? I hope he won't, I try to believe that he's bettered himself beyond that, but I don't know it to be true. I don't trust his response to a tough situation.

I believe he is working to be a better man, but I don't take it for 100% fact yet.
I believe that he wants to be committed to me, but I can only trust that for right now-- who knows what 5 years will change?

I know, I know. It takes both of us to keep that committment and keep the relationship from sliding into that dark place, but the thing is, looking to someone else NEVER crossed my mind. And obviously it did his, so I wonder when or if it will cross again.

So yes. some trust, but we're not there yet.

Numbers and Anniversaries

2007-04-09T14:03:00.000-05:00

I'm a numbers gal. I remember numbers and dates without trying, even though a vast amount of other more important things slip through my brain. It's not that I'm a stickler about anniversaries of things-- I'm not one of those women that wants to celebrate the anniversary of the first time we met, first date, first kiss, first sex, etc.-- but I do remember all those dates, and when they come around on the calendar I do think of them. It's not even just relationship dates that I remember. I remember the date of my son's first real steps on his own, the first day he ate solid food, I remember the date that I met my sister-in-law for the first time. Heck. I still remember the date that I "graduated" from 8th grade.

It's just a weird thing about me.

What sucks is that I'm in the midst of affair anniversaries. We just passed the anniversary of the night that WS's girlfriend called because her car had broken down on the side of the road and needed help. We're coming up on the anniversary of a date that they had-- a night that I had a sitter set up to watch our son and WS and I were supposed to go out together, but he canceled on me because he was "called in to work". He was actually taking her and another couple out to one of my favorite places.

We're also coming up on May 7. Why is that day important? Well, the first thing that happened that day was that my son really crawled for the first time. It was so exciting to watch because it had taken him almost 2 months of dragging his legs around for him to finally find his knees and really crawl. WS was really withdrawn while we were watching him-- totally the opposite of how he usually is with our son. Once the little guy went down for his nap that afternoon, I asked if everything was okay and got the obligatory "I'm fine." I knew he was down, but he obviously didn't want to talk, so I jokingly asked, "Well, you still love me right?"

God, I was stupid.

I've been reliving the whole thing in my dreams for the last week. I'm already not sleeping because I'm too pregnant to be comfortable, and dreaming like this has kept me up for hours in the middle of the night most nights. WS has noticed how I've been and asks me all the time if there's anything he can do to help, or if I need to talk about things, and I've been pushing him away. I couldn't really put things into words for him that I haven't already used before. I'm afraid you're going to destroy me again. I'm afraid you're going to take advantage of my graciousness in trying to work through this rather than just writing you off. I'm afraid you're going to turn back into the man you were before and I'll hate myself for ever giving you another chance.

I finally brought it up to WS last night. I told him how everything has been stirred up for me with all the anniversaries, and just general stress going on in my life. I told him that I don't think he can do anything to help me through this except to continue to do his own work on himself and to continue to care for me like he has been the last several weeks. I told him that I don't know that this will ever go away for me-- that when it comes to the anniversaries, this might always be a time of year that is difficult for me. We're going to talk about it again in counseling this week.

Will it always be like this this time of the year? Just by nature of my personality? I keep a calendar constantly in my head, and nothing gets erased. Or will that mean I'm finally "healed" if there ever comes a day where I can clear it off my calendar?

So That Baby Thing...

2007-03-21T13:47:00.000-05:00

Not exactly good timing, no doubt. Never something I or WS would have chosen at this particular time in our lives. Whether you think it's a brilliant thing or not it's just how it is, and it's part of the story of how everything is happening. We weren't being irresponsible-- we were using two forms of birth control, and I was supposedly never able to conceive without major medical intervention-- after all, that's what it took to have our son, and our doctor told us we should count our blessings that we managed to conceive him. He also told us our chances of conceiving another child were incredibly low, and that the money would be better spent pursuing adoption.

We never once thought of terminating. I could easily blame it on religious upbringing or some sense of morality, but it has nothing to do with that and everything to do with this being my child. I want this child so much and even though the thought of having 2 kids sometimes makes me nervous, I know that once this one is born we'll adjust and manage and be fine. It is simply my choice to make, and no one elses. You can think what you want, but in the end it comes down to me and my husband to make the decision.

WS and I are working on things. We are both working hard, and while we had that brief lapse on his meds, we're doing really well. We've been talking about the little things happening between us-- the little upsets that couples have instead of letting the problems grow between us, and often it's WS that is the one reminding me of what we need to do to work through stuff. We haven't argued just to argue in ages, but we aren't living our lives side by side anymore either. We're both actually taking care of our relationship and have been for awhile now. Issues are being dealt with in a healthy way and I no longer feel unheard in our relationship. Counseling has been tremendously helpful and our counselor has actually said that after a few more sessions he thinks he'll be through with us.

Yes, adding an infant to the mix will change the dynamic in the household. But we've done infancy before, and we have a good idea of how it works this time (exhaustion, feedings, etc.). We also know ourselves and our relationship better, and I believe that we will be able to take care of each other this time around.

This pregnancy has been so different than my first regarding the relationship with my husband. He's been involved and understanding; he has really taken care of me this time around. I believe that will carry over after the baby is born. And if it doesn't, I know how to actually work things out with him this time around.

That gives me a lot of hope.

And down we go...

2007-03-14T13:42:00.000-05:00

WS's mood has been volatile for the last few years. He goes way up and way down a zillion times a day, and it was really bad just before I found out about the affair. He's been on meds to help even things out, and as long as he takes them he's very pleasant to be around. I don't have to guess which husband is going to greet me in the evening. Of course, the key phrase is "as long as he takes them"-- and he's been sporadic over the last 2 weeks.

He crashed yesterday and came home in a rage after a bad day at work. I want to be clear that he has never threatened me or our son in any way. He isn't violent or even belittling-- he is just angry. He bangs things around and gets horribly upset over stupid things like running out of spoons or our son's toys not being 100% picked up. And then after all that he retreats to the office and sulks for ages.

I hate this. I've dealt with depression and antidepressants in my past, and I know how it is to be that angry at nothing, or to feel like the world would be a better place if I'd just melt away. But I'm over it. I did the meds and therapy for a long time, and I'm better now. I've worked through my crap, and I don't live my life in that way anymore. But watching him go through all of this too has been really hard. We're going to see his doctor today to talk about why he can't skip meds (even if it's a "good" day) and about what I can do to help him stay with it. He's also in therapy on his own, and he says he told his therapist last night that he'd been skipping days and was appropriately warned about what that can do to him. He had just the right amount of detail to his story that I believe that he was honest with his therapist.

I want to help him, but I wish that he wouldn't drag me down with him. I'm willing to support and help, but I feel like he thinks that I can only help if I'm along for the ride, and I can't go there again. I won't do that to myself or my kids. I'm a better person now, and he's taking the steps to help himself be better too, but he imagines that the journey should be faster than it is. It's a long bad road, and I honestly don't think that he expected that-- even after what I and his doctor and therapist all told him.

So I'm hoping he can stick with the meds and therapy. He knows that I need him to do that. I'm hoping that I can keep myself separate enough that I don't go down with him, but connected enough that he knows he has my love and support.

Function

2007-03-08T19:28:00.000-06:00

This has been one of those crazy weeks. Between my work and WS's we have barely seen each other or our son, and I'm realizing that this fact might be a breaking point for our relationship. I think WS has felt it too. We're planning for things to change on both ends, but the changes don't go into effect until May. One of my big contracts is up that month and I'm not going to pursue another big client like that for awhile. WS is making a similar concession in his work (I don't want you to get the impression that I'm the only one sacrificing here) and we just have to make it until then.

I feel like we're actually thinking like a family now. The things WS has come to me and asked to talk about have really been about pursuing the best interests of our family, and it makes me feel like I can actually plan for our future a little bit.

But at the same time, this separation because of outside obligations is eating on me. I feel lonely again, even when he's next to me for that half hour or so when he's home. There's so little time to be together right now that our time is spent on mechanics-- who's picking up our son from daycare tomorrow, can you take care of this when you get a chance, did you pay that bill... and there's no love in that. Just function. And I understand that that is how it is right now. And I realistically can't expect the same things of him as he's been doing for the past few weeks. There's no time for him to do that stuff, and to be honest, there's no time for me to enjoy it.

It doesn't make the loneliness go away though.

We both have the weekend off. Hopefully there will be a reconnection.

Renewal

2007-02-28T14:29:00.000-06:00

We have a wedding to go to this weekend. Our son is the ringbearer. Hopefully he'll behave, but even if he doesn't he's young enough that people will think he's just being cute.

I'm dreading this. Since I found out about the affair in May we've been to two weddings; this will be our third. The first was within 6 weeks of finding out, and I wanted to beat the crap out of WS for about a week afterwards. The second wedding wasn't as bad. I think the aftershocks only lasted a day or two, and I'm trying to be prepared this time for another day or two of triggering.

I am not an emotional person at all. I'm crazy hormonal right now with the pregnancy, and for me that means that I've cried like 3 times in the last 5 months. I just don't react emotionally to many things. I'm very much the kind of person that takes a moment to evaluate the situation and my options before acting. The whole wedding thing for me and WS was really about the commitment of that ceremony-- not about getting dressed up and feeling all romantic for the day. At least, that's what it was for me. I can't speak for WS on that.

The thing that has me the most stressed about the upcoming wedding is that I think WS will ask me again to renew our vows. He first mentioned it while we were at the reception for the June wedding, and then asked me again at the second wedding. I had kind of put off answering until then, and I finally told him no. I have no reason to renew my vows to him-- I never broke mine. And to be honest, why should I accept vows from him again? They didn't exactly stick the first time.

He's brought up the vow renewal thing in passing a few times in the last week or two, and I just kind of laugh and brush him off. It's something I can't do. Maybe in a few years I can, but I feel like that would mean fully recommiting myself to him, and while things are going well right now, I'm not in a place where I'm comfortable with him making that kind of commitment to me again. Does that make sense?

He is still doing well. Little things every day, actually listening when I talk, taking time when he first comes home to kiss me and say hi to our son before he does anything else-- even to take off his coat most times. He's also been working from home a little more, which is a mixed blessing. Since I also work from home we sometimes get in each other's ways, but we're doing better about managing that.

Changing

2007-02-21T14:14:00.000-06:00

Well, he's keeping up. Tonight and tomorrow he has to work late and we won't really get to see each other. That has always thrown us off when we've been doing well together, so we'll see what happens. I'm trying to be careful about this. I don't want to invest back too much at once. I want to give it time in case it whips around and bites my ass.

I've also been thinking about a slight career change-- specificallly something where I can schedule more around my husband's and kid's schedules. Right now I do work for myself, and there's a lot going there, but I'm so tired of doing so much hand-holding for my clients. Maybe it's because I'm so emotionally drained myself, but I think I'm getting burned out on this, and it's not the kind of work where one can be a little burned out and still do good work. Maybe a slight change in direction. I don't know yet, but I'm working on things. Plus there's this whole "doing what I love" thing that I'm missing. I like my job or I wouldn't have been in the business as long as I have been, but I have a clear view of what I really love to do, and I want to take a shot at it. I just have to figure out if it's even possible to try right now.

Is that even on the radar for anyone else? Or is the idea of doing what you love a crazy thing? Unrealistic? Just plain stupid? Some days I feel like a maniac considering my options. This would definitely be a leap of faith. I think I need to wait until I have a little more sturdy ground with WS before I jump. Sturdy as in either, we're doing very well and he's continued doing his part or sturdy as in we're going our separate ways-- either way, I know what's going on in the relationship to a greater extent than I have in a long time.

Or maybe it is just the stupid. I don't know. I'm freakishly optimistic right now. I guess I have let a little of that damn hope in.

Restored Faith

2007-02-19T09:19:00.000-06:00

In the last week I've been really wondering whether or not I still belonged here in this relationship. I went so far as to start working out money things if I would be a single mom to 2 kids, and starting to look at what sort of place I could afford to live.

Then Friday afternoon, my husband left a note for me when I went to pick up my son. It said that my mom would be taking care of our son for the night, and for me to leave him at her house then head home as planned and read the note in my bathroom. From there was a short series of notes leading to my husband standing in the dining room with roses and dressed in his suit. We ate a dinner my husband had cooked for us (my very favorite), had some sparkling grape juice, danced in our dim living room, and had the most romantic passionate evening we've had since-- I don't know-- our first anniversary, maybe? I know he went all out for that, but I can't remember anything quite this big since.

And it wasn't just about the romance of the evening, because anyone can go out and get roses and whip up some pasta. No-- this was about sincerity. He had written me a long letter, like the letters we exchanged when we were dating, and in it was all the things that I needed to hear from him-- none of the cliched "I was so wrong, how can you ever forgive me" things, but his own real words. I can't explain it without too much detail, but it was the most perfect thing. And the words he spoke, and the look in his eyes.... for the first time I felt like he was really sorry, and not just sorry that he was caught.

And through the weekend he was completely different in the way he spoke to me and cared for me and did things for our son. He was a different man. I'll admit that I'm still a little wary of the change, and I will be waiting to see if this sticks, but I'm finding myself hoping that it does, when a week ago I would have given us no hope at all.

Looking for Dirt

2007-02-12T11:44:00.000-06:00

Every time WS does something stupid I end up using my next free hour alone to go through his computer files and search the crap out of OW on the internet. I look through cell records, temp files, his internet history, emails, everything I have access to (whether he knows it or not).

I know I'm not the only betrayed person that does this, but why do I feel like a lunatic every time? I'm looking for some hint that I am not, in fact, a moron-- and that I'm not being duped again. The relief I feel at not finding anything is tremendous, but it doesn't mean that I trust him any more than I did before.

The frantic searches are getting less frequent, but I hate that I feel like I have to check up on him all the time. I still can't trust him to be honest with me about small things, so I'm certainly not trusting him when he says that he has no contact with OW. If he'll lie to me about where he goes to lunch (knowing full well that I take care of our debit card/checking account and SEE where he goes to lunch) why would he be entirely truthful about the actual issues in our marriage?

So is this just going to be the natural order of things for awhile? I'm just going to have to check in on him when I feel the need to do so? Is it normal for this stage of recovery? It's probably just the opposite, and I am indeed a raving psycho.

Anger

2007-02-08T15:29:00.000-06:00

Been awhile I know.

I'm having a lot of problems this pregnancy, just like I thought I would, but I've finally hit the stage where I at least have a little bit of energy and some of the early issues are resolving, thank goodness.

As far as where WS and I stand, we're doing a really good job being parents together, and we're doing a good job being friends. We spend time together watching tv and talking about trivial things, and as long as we only talk about relationship and affair-related things in our counseling sessions, we aren't fighting. I think that this is how it has to be for awhile. I have to keep the intimate/marriage relationship distanced for a little while so that I can process the stuff related to the affair.

I've worked past the hurt and humiliated part. Now I'm angry beyond belief. And the bad thing is that it's spilling over into regular life. I'm really mad while I drive. I get really upset about news stories and client issues that wouldn't have flustered me before I hit this angry streak. (not in front of clients obviously). My nature is not angry. I'm really laid-back, I don't get in anyone's way, I actually bend over backwards to be *sure* I'm not getting in anyone's way. And since anger has not ever really been part of my life, I'm not really sure how to deal with this. Our counselor suggested some visualization and relaxation stuff, but those things both leave me feeling kind of hokey and not really any less angry than I was before.

So I'm angry, and *REALLY* want to get back at OW. I won't-- I know that that would be a very stupid step for me to take. And still, I'm incredibly angry.

Scared

2006-12-06T14:26:00.000-06:00

Okay. So, pregnant. I'm terrified. WS thinks we'll be just fine and sees this a positive step forward in our relationship. I reminded him of how hard pregnancy is on me physically and this time it's been worse than with our son. I reminded him of how much I slept and how sick I was (and how sick I've already been) and I reminded him that in therapy he pointed at that very thing from my first pregnancy and claimed that me having to take care of myself that much was the very thing that caused the disconnect between us that led to his affair.

Even understanding that this pregnancy will be much the same if not more so, he thinks we'll be just fine.

So I'm left wondering where his brains have run off to.

Last time I was ill throughout the pregnancy and had several complications leading to an early induction and ultimately an emergency c-section. Because of the horrible event that was my son's birth, my recovery was quite a bit longer than most women's recoveries, especially because I contracted a post partum infection that took a long time to be properly diagnosed and taken care of. And apparently, it was all these health issues that caused the disconnect between us.

I can't not take care of myself this time just so that he doesn't feel neglected or disconnected or whatever. So far I've been sick 24 hours a day and I could easily sleep 14-16 hours a day if only I didn't have to work and care for my son. When I say "take care of myself" I mean I'm trying to hang on to my sanity I'm so ill, not that I'm trying to pamper myself and make myself out to be the queen of the world just because I'm going to pop out another kid. No, I'm really just trying to keep some fluids in my body and trying to do the things I have to (mostly work) and that's it.

All I keep thinking to myself is that this signals the end. Whatever progress I felt we were making? I can feel it all fading away, and WS is in such extreme denial that it hurts to hear him talk about it. He really does think everything will be dandy after we "adjust", but he seems to forget where we have been before this.

Stunned Silence

2006-11-24T16:51:00.000-06:00

Sorry to be away for a few weeks, but family life demanded it. This will be a short post, because I'm still in shock.

I'm pregnant.

Bad Dreams

2006-11-05T11:06:00.000-06:00

How do you know when it's time to give up?

On Tuesday it will have been 6 months since I found out about the affair. Last night I woke up with an awful dream about WS and OW and spent about 2 hours in the middle of the night googling her name and going through WS's computer files and the cell phone records. I didn't find anything on his phone or computer, but I found an old blog with her name attached. It wasn't much of anything, but I was oddly glad to have found *something*.

I felt like I was going crazy. I was searching like mad for something-- any little bit of "dirt" I could dig up. I finally calmed down and got back to sleep, only to have to get up with my son a few times and have another dream about the two of them. The thing is, this wasn't a dream. It was like a playback from the week following my discovery of the affair. Specifically WS telling me that he was coming back because leaving me for her would have meant losing his integrity as a man. And specifically when I was driving somewhere I saw the two of them together in a parking lot hugging and kissing after he had told me that he was coming back to me and had cut off contact with her.

I told him this morning that I can't stand the fact that he didn't come back out of wanting to be with me vs. wanting to be with her. I feel like because he came back as "the right thing to do" I have to just bide my time until he feels unhappy with our relationship again and this happens all over again. He says that now he knows that he loves me and doesn't want to ever jeopardize our relationship again, but the sad truth is that our relationship can never be what it was before, and he doesn't want to accept that. He honestly thinks that if he does enough to make up for this that things will go back to "normal" aka pre-affair status.

It just doesn't work that way.

I want to give up. I'm ready to do that emotionally.

"I love you" Afterthoughts

2006-10-28T11:41:00.000-05:00

We had it out last night. Boy did we. We were disagreeing about an issue, and he kept saying “Why can’t you understand…” and repeating the same point over and over and over to me without letting me respond to him. I finally said, “please don’t speak to me like that! When you say “why can’t you understand” it makes me feel incredibly stupid.” He launched into me over that, how it wasn’t about how that phrase made me feel, it was about the intention with which he said it.
Our son woke up right then, and I went in to rock him awhile. He’s been very restless at night, and last night started a fever, so I think he may be teething again. WS followed me into the baby’s room and yelled at me more and I told him to stop yelling, it was scaring the baby. He told me not to come back in until I was willing to be reasonable and talk.

I rocked my son for a long time past when he was back to sleep because I needed the breather. I needed to clear my head so I could really think about things. When I went back in I was determined to just let the whole thing drop. I was tired, and I didn’t want to talk anymore when there was no progress to be made. He pushed me over and over again, and I finally told him what was going through my mind—that I don’t think I can forgive him for things that happened in our relationship prior to the affair. That I don’t know if I can forgive the affair. That he makes me feel like an idiot when I talk to him. Like I waste his time. And he asked me if I even love him anymore.

******

A few nights ago, he came home a little drunk. His friend deposited him on our doorstep after a night with the guys, and it was actually pretty funny. WS rarely drinks this much, and he gets funny when he’s drunk. We talked and laughed for awhile and at some point he looked at me with bloodshot eyes and told me he loved me so much. I told him to try saying it when he was a little more sober, and he insisted that it wasn’t the alcohol talking. It was all him, he said, and that he meant every word- “I love you so much. I wish I could erase everything.”

I started to cry. I don’t cry, but this—this tore me down. And he told me not to be sad, that I should be happy that he was saying it for once. I told him it meant nothing to me. He said he loved me even while he was trying to decide between me and his mistress, and I realized that I didn’t believe him now when he said that he loved me. How could he say he loved me while he was thinking of leaving me (the old “I love you but I’m not in love with you” cliche) and then think he could use that same “I love you” now when he supposedly is back “in love” with me?

******

So when he asked me last night if I even loved him anymore, I weighed everything that had happened between us, pre-affair and post-affair, and I told him that I still loved him.

And he told me he didn’t believe me.

I think I love him. I want a life with him. I just don’t want the one we have right now.

Family

2006-10-23T12:14:00.000-05:00

I have come to realize in the last few years exactly how important family is to me. Not my family as in my own parents, but having a family of my own. Having a husband that is loving and supportive, and having children of my own and raising them in a loving home. Part of this realization came through dealing with infertility in trying to have our son. It took quite a bit of medical testing and procedures to conceive him, and I think that is where the first disconnect came between me and my husband.

I was on the daily end of dealing with the infertility, monitoring my temperature daily, taking medications, doing injections... and WS? Well, he was there for the sex, and that was about it. Even when I told him how important it was to me that he come to the doctors appointments and that he help me out when I was dealing with side effects of the meds, he was careful to sidestep the issue and say that he would come to the doctor with me once I was pregnant, leaving me to wonder, "what if I never am?"

He was good to his word. Once I got pregnant he was there for every doctor's appointment but one, and he really beat himself up about not going to that one. The thing is, I needed him before that. I needed him while I was trying to cope with cycle after cycle of failure. I have only ever felt abandonment like that 2 other times in my life. Once with my parents, and when I found out about the affair.

In my faith, I cannot remarry if I am divorced. My chance for a family is with WS. Even though there are so many serious issues between us, throwing my hands in the air and saying, "enough already!" would mean giving up the one thing that is so valuable to me-- a family of my own.

So I have to figure out how to forgive all of this so that we can function as a family. So that I can function as a wife and a woman.

Bad Timing

2006-10-14T01:02:00.000-05:00

This has been a really bad day. It started with my son being up all night sick, then having to call my mom early to see if she could watch him while I worked or if I would have to take the day off. I ended up working only a half day until my son’s doctor appointment, and it’s strep. AGAIN.

WS called right as I was trying to get my son in the door after the doctor, and I told him I’d call him back after I got the kid down for his nap. I wrestled medicine into my son and got him down to sleep. I called WS back, and he had just been calling to see if it was okay for him to go out with some guys after work. I know the guys he works with, and I was comfortable with that, but I was so tired after being up with my son all night and then working and then getting through the doctor stuff. I asked if he’d either skip it this time and come home, or if he’d make it quick and be home by seven to help me with our son. He didn’t really say much over the phone, but I could tell he was upset.

WS came home at the usual time and kind of stomped around and threw his tie, keys and wallet in a pile on the couch before asking me why the laundry wasn’t put away yet. Did it matter that I had made dinner, cleaned the kitchen, changed the sheets on the bed, and taken care of the kid’s daycare bag in between taking care of the sick child? No. It mattered that I hadn’t yet put the laundry away. I told him to back off—I was tired, and it had been a crappy day already.

He held it together long enough to get through dinner and entertain our son until an early bedtime. As soon as I put the boy to bed, though, the floodgates broke.

His side was all “I just wanted some time to hang out with the guys and have a drink” and my side was all, “I’m falling apart I’m so tired and I need some help.”

I can understand his side. I really can. He has done a stellar job of coming home as expected and most of the time chooses to spend time with me and our son over spending time with his buddies. It really would have been okay by me for him to go out tonight if only our kid wasn’t so sick and I wasn’t so overwhelmed.

I told him that this was an example of me actually admitting that I needed him for once, and if I’ve humbled myself enough to ask for the help I do, in fact, actually need it. Pretty darn bad too, or else I wouldn’t have asked. It was just bad timing as far as what I needed from him and what he needed. The good thing about the whole issue is that we were actually able to handle this with some semblance of maturity. There was little yelling, and we were both actually listening to each other’s sides instead of putting up the defensive shields. This is a good sign for us.

We settled the issue and we were watching some show on t.v., and wouldn’t you know it involves a husband carrying on an affair that his wife discovers and the aftermath of everything. When there was the first hint that that was the topic I wanted to ask WS to just turn it off or switch to something else, but I didn’t. I kept rationalizing in my mind that I should be able to handle stuff like that and that it wasn’t fair to WS if I made him switch to something else. So we ended up watching the whole episode, and I am still triggering a few hours later. Why didn’t I just ask him to change it? Now that I think about it I really don’t think he would have minded. He might have been uncomfortable with it too. I have got to stop pushing myself down and do these little things to help myself. How hard is it to ask to have a channel changed?

From Father to Son

2006-10-10T11:14:00.000-05:00

When I think through the issues between WS and myself, I find that the thing I'm most upset about right now is all the lying. He has always been dishonest about silly little things in our relationship, and now I know that I should have seen it for the big flashing sign that it was. And after our discussion last night, I think the lying has been trained into my husband by his parents.

WS and I have been talking about parenting stuff around here a lot lately because our toddler son has started displaying some behavior I'd like to get handled now rather than later. It's mostly tantrum type things, and some of what I consider to be "baby backtalk" and I want to teach him now that that's not the way to express himself. I've been reading a lot and talking with a couple girlfriends about how they've handled this at this age, and I brought it up to WS to ask his opinion.

He immediately brought up spanking as the only way to handle this and it launched us into a debate over why we should or shouldn't spank. Spanking was used in my family as a terror tactic, and I really think that in my brother's case it bordered on abuse. The emotional abuse in my family is insane. Spanking was used by my husband's family for only one thing: Lying. WS was spanked everytime he was caught in a lie, and while his parents never got crazy with the spanking, it taught WS to be extremely sneaky so that he wouldn't get caught.

When his parents found out about the affair, they were stunned, and while they said it was wrong of him and that he needed to do the right thing and stay with his family, they tried to find every reason for him to have done this-- going so far as to suggest that he must have multiple personalities because the son that they know and love would *never* do such a thing! His mother even brought him part of her prescription for anti-depressants because that would "fix him right up."

WS has everyone fooled with his lying, and in a way I think this was created in him because of his parents. Do you think parents really can mold that type of thing? Is it possible that WS's parents set him up for his affair? If that really is part of the reason behind this event, it scares me to think that this can be passed on to our son. I want to prevent that if it's a possibility. I want to parent him to understand and live concepts like trust and responsibility.

Recurrence

2006-10-09T02:43:00.000-05:00

One of the recurring issues in our relationship is that I feel that things that are important to me are downplayed, and things that are important to my husband are lifted onto a pedestal.

One of the prime examples of this is sports. WS is a sports nut. I don't think there's a single professional or college sport that he doesn't watch. I swear if something cataclysmic happened and the only sports related thing on t.v. was pro bowling he'd be watching, riveted as if it were the world series.

Usually this isn't a problem. I've gotten used to it. If there's a game on he's going to be watching it, and often times the first thing he does when stepping in the door is turning the t.v. or radio to whatever game is on at the moment. I've given up trying to get his attention while sports are on, because at best what I request is only half-heard, and at worst it's totally ignored.

The part that bothers me about it, is that a few weeks ago as we were discussing a party we were going to be having, I told him it was very important to me to not have the t.v. on during the party. He acted appalled that I would even suggest that he would do such a rude thing, but I specifically said that no matter what game was on, we were not going to be watching it during the party- that's what we have Tivo for.

So this weekend came, and we had our party Saturday evening. He had the t.v. on all day on football games while we did party prep. He was generally helpful (even if I did have to ask him to set up the chairs six times...) and when I asked him to turn the t.v. off about an hour before the party, he did. He kept our son entertained while I finished the last of the food prep, and guests started to arrive. What did he do 5 minutes after the first guest arrived? Turned the damn t.v. on to a baseball game! I pulled him into the kitchen and asked him to please turn it off, and he said, "Well, it's just on in the background and I'll have it on mute the whole time." I told him I was going to unplug it if he didn't turn it off right now. I reminded him that we'd discussed this a few times (including this morning) and that it was *very* important to me that he choose not to have it on. He told me it wasn't that big a deal, and proceded to go talk with guests and leave the t.v. on. After about 10 minutes of him casting little glances at me, I did what I had promised and turned off the t.v. and unplugged it. Nothing was said, and I really don't think that anyone noticed.

Later in the evening (After everyone was gone and Kid was in bed) he yelled at me for making a scene over the t.v. I asked him again why it had to be on, especially when I made a very specific request that it not be on, and told him that it was important to me that he not watch sports during an even that was important to me. He repeated again that having the t.v. on for the game wasn't a big deal to anyone but me and that it was fine for him to do it.

I swear it's crap like this that makes me want to just abandon the relationship. His biggest complaint is that I'm not clear with him on what I want from him, and I made very sure to be clear with him that this was something that was very important to me and STILL it gets pushed to the side. At least I know what I'm going to suggest for this week's counseling topic.

A Well Deserved Break

2006-10-05T14:20:00.000-05:00

In counseling this week our counselor declared that we’ve been spending a lot of time talking about core issues and dealing with big painful messy things, and that we deserve a break.

Now as nice as that sounds, we go to counseling to get our arguing done there so we don’t argue as much at home. It seems that we are incapable of rational discussion on our own, but with another adult in the room we can work through issues and come to solutions that are, you know, actual solutions (gasp!) instead of reverting to the Kindergarten tactics of screaming, “Fine!” at each other. We both have to psych ourselves up for counseling because it is serious exhausting work to talk about this crap for an hour. But we go in there, work for an hour, and come out feeling some sense of accomplishment or closure concerning an issue

So when the counselor announced that we were taking a break on all the ugly stuff this week, we both thought it was going to be a wasted fluffy hour.

It turned out to be one of the best things we’ve done in a long time.

He gave us each a sheet of paper and a pen then asked us to take a few minutes to list what our spouse is doing well in the relationship. After a few minutes, the counselor asked us to also list some specific instances from the past week when our spouse made us feel especially loved. The things that were helping my husband in his recovery really surprised me.

His list included:
1. I told you that I needed a seam on my pants repaired and you did it that same evening.
2. You did a load of laundry in the middle of the week just because you knew I wanted to wear a certain shirt on an appointment the next day.
3. You take care of more than your share of household things, especially for the baby.
4. You have been working a lot more than we originally agreed that you would work by now.

There were some other things, but a few are too personal to share. All but one of his listed items were about acts of service-- things that I do or did for him. I really didn't think the pants were that big of a deal, and same on the middle-of-the-week laundry, but apparently it spoke volumes to him.

My list included:
1. You brought me single rose earlier in the week on a whim.
2. Since I brought up the fact that I was upset with having the t.v. on so much you've been asking fairly often if I would like to talk about anything before we relax.
3. When you help me pack the baby's things for daycare in the morning, it takes a lot of stress off of me.
4. You have not once this week complained about what a disaster the house is, even though it's really bad right now.

They're such little things, but they've meant a lot to both of us. And having the break from working on all the hard topics was definitely needed. I know we'll get back to the real work next week, but seeing on paper what the good things were reminded me why I stay and why I have hope that we can still be together in a good way.

Romance

2006-09-29T20:09:00.000-05:00

Last night WS kind of cornered me and told me I needed to tell him what was going on. I've been kind of mopey lately, I know, but there's been a ton going on at work, and our son is going through some teething and a growth spurt that has made him a total crank to hang out with. I'm just plain tired, and any thought I put into our relationship just makes me that much more depressed.

Anyway, he was really pushing on me to talk even though I told him I didn't want to talk, but he kept pushing so I told him that I'm very unhappy in our relationship. I think we've reverted to exactly where we were before the affair. Once our kid is asleep we turn on the t.v. and veg until bedtime. There's no real talking (unless you count arguing) and no romance. Not even little tiny things. It's not like we hold hands or even sit close to each other while we watch t.v. I swear there's a damn line down the middle of the couch or bed to keep us from invading the other's space.

I told him that I'm terrified because I see that we're where we were pre-affair, and that really triggers me. Some little things have improved like he usually lays with me as we're falling asleep, and he's trying to remember to kiss me and say hello when he comes home from work instead of launching into how his work day was crap or how the house is a disaster. Those things really are helpful for me, but at some point I want to stop living like roomates with my own husband! We make the big parenting decisions together, we generally co-exist well, and as long as we ignore the fact that there is supposed to be something more to our relationship, we are splendid.

It sucks.

When I brought up the romance factor, he shot back that I don't do anything romantic for him either. Why the hell would I set up candles and roses and wear lingerie for a man that would come home, see all that and say, "that's really nice, hon, but I'd really just like to watch the end of the game and relax before bed. Rain check?"

And I'm not making that up. It's happened before in our marriage. A few times, actually. I've given up, and rightfully so I think. I am too fragile to handle the rejection right now.

Perception

2006-09-28T14:26:00.000-05:00

One of the most important things to WS is for everyone to think of him as the best and brightest. He’s not overly obnoxious about it—not in a “guy you love to hate” kind of way—but he gives off an air of infallibility that really gets to me.

When we were dating this seemed like a perfect thing. I'm very non-decisive about things that don't really matter like whether to have hamburgers or pasta for dinner. Having to make those decisions actually annoys me because there are so many other things in my life that suck the energy out of me. So when WS came along and actually chose those things for me, it was wonderful.

It was about 2 years into our marriage that this started to bother me. I still don't care that he chooses which restaurant we go to 99% of the time, but what bothers me is that sometimes he decides that he needs to "teach" me how to be decisive, and then proceeds to try to bully me into choosing what specific kind of paper towels to buy or some other equally unimportant thing. My thought on the matter is that I have to make important decisions all day long, and when I'm home from work, the only important thing I want to have to think about is any serious stuff that might come up with my son.

This bothers WS to no end because of the impression he says it gives his coworkers, friends, etc. that I am some kind of humble housewife. (HAHAHAHA!) Apparently I'm not close enough to the end of the spectrum labeled Trophy Wife.

Now, I could care less what he thinks about the impression I give. I dress up, take care of my body and lovingly support him at all those alcohol-laden work functions. I don't drink a ton and I don't brag about my latest big projects to people I don't know, and supposedly that is all it takes to get dumped into the "Humble Housewife" bin. This little on-going quarrel between us has never really bothered me before, but the reason I've been thinking about it a lot lately is that in counseling the other night, our counselor asked WS why he chose to stay with me rather than pursuing his girlfriend further. WS's answer was that divorcing his wife for another woman would leave a mark on his character that would affect his career and friendships. No mention that he stayed because he loves me or even a mention of staying for the wellbeing of our son. Just that he wanted his "character" to be intact.

Because the actual having of the affair doesn't say loads about one's character, you know.

When I asked him to clarify, he realized that he had really stepped in it, and tried to backpedal with a "Well, I know that I love you now. I was just really confused then, and that's just what went through my mind about why I should stay..."

So what I took away from last session is that he will sacrifice just about anything if it will make him look better to the outside world. And this is the man in whom I'm supposed to place my trust.

Sex

2006-09-25T15:36:00.000-05:00

Before the affair, I would have rated our sex life a 7/10. I wished he was willing to be a little more playful and I wished that we would have sex more often (it was usually 1-2 times a week), but those were small things. I was mostly very happy in that area. We worked well together and each took the time to take care of each other's needs.

No we're at a 2/10. Sex is infrequent at best, and it's so mechanical now that it's hardly worth trying. It used to be that I wanted to have sex 4-5 times a week, and now it's more like 2-3 times a month. And even when I do want to have sex, I never get where I need to go, if you know what I mean. That was never a problem before. It was fairly easy for me to reach orgasm, but now I can't. Too much going through my head, and no more passion between us.

So we have sex about half the time he asks, and it's really only so-so, because I just can't get into it with him anymore. Any solution for that?

Daily Living

2006-09-18T17:03:00.000-05:00

On the daily side of things, life is generally the same.

And I hate it.

There's been this big life-changing event in my life, and still daily living is the same. I go to work, come home, greet the sitter, play with my son for a short while, then work until dinner, enjoy the evening with my son, put him to bed just as WS is getting home, and then WS and I sit in front of the t.v. or the computers until bed. Then we get up and do it all again. We don't have real conversations, we don't have romance, we don't have anything different than the situation that led us to this place. What makes it worse is that when I bring it up WS will agree with me that we need to be doing more of those things and that it really would help, but when it comes down to it, he doesn't want to actually make the change. And there's part of me that doesn't want to do it either. After I get the kid into bed, I'm exhausted. My brain is jello and I feel like I don't have anything intelligent to contribute. I spend all day being intelligent and witty and diplomatic, and honestly I'm just wiped out by the time 8 p.m. rolls around.

Weekends have been better since the affair though. We both cut back our work schedules to the point that we can still afford things but we actually spend the day as a family on Saturdays. It used to be that WS worked most of Saturday but took Mondays off, and I worked Mondays but took Saturdays off. Sundays are dedicated to seeing my family or his depending on the week.

I wish there were more changes that would happen. I wish WS would take the time to be romantic with me, even if it's just on the weekends. And I know I need to be more firm about not working on the computer after 8 and making our together time actual together time.

The thing that just makes me seeth with anger is that the Other Woman (OW) suffers no consequences. She didn't have a boyfriend or husband to cheat on. She did get her feelings hurt when WS chose his family over her, but that's about it. She doesn't have to spend the next year or 2 or 10 worrying that her life partner might actually be hooking up with someone else, or that each little time that a shopping trip takes 15 minutes extra that he's hiding out talking on the phone to another woman. She doesn't have to spend the next few years going through individual counseling and marriage counseling just hoping that she'll feel something again for the man she's married to.

No- she gets to go back to her daily life, same as before while I go back to mine under the incredible added strain of a broken relationship.

Anniversaries

2006-09-15T15:08:00.000-05:00

We're coming up on the anniversary of the day that WS proposed to me. I'm not one of those girls that holds on to every single date-- first date, first kiss, met the parents, etc.-- but I do remember the date that we decided that we were a real couple, the date that he proposed, and of course our wedding date. When the date came that we were officially together for 6 years, I was a total wreck. Nothing bad happened- there were no arguments or triggers other than the fact that it's an important date to me concerning our relationship. I'm anticipating that the anniversary of his proposal will be an equally bad day.

And of course now there's another anniversary to remember-- D-day. That date is burned into my mind forever. He doesn't remember the date because he doesn't think in those terms, but it is something that I will never forget, no matter how good our relationship gets.

About Us

2006-09-06T12:04:00.000-05:00

My husband (WS) and I have been together for 6 years, married for 5. We have 1 child, a toddler.

Before the affair, I would have classified our relationship as good. We genuinely liked each other and spending time together. We are both interested in the same things (although we do have separate interests as well). We spent a lot of time together and I believe that except for certain areas we were happy together. I know there were issues in our relationship, and I know there were problems on both sides. There always are in relationships that lead to an affair. I honestly didn't believe they were anything big enough or bad enough to cause something this big.

It took us two years and multiple tests and infertility treatments to finally conceive our son. When he was born, I loved him more than anything I'd ever loved, and I knew WS felt the same. And the love I felt for WS was phenomenal. I wanted more than anything to have a family of my own. But then I had a serious bout with Post Partum Depression that lasted until my son was over 6 months old. I know now that part of the depression was because WS had pulled away from me. He thought I loved our son more than I loved him and was jealous over the amount of attention that had to be spent on the baby-- attention that he used to get.

Our Dday was in May 2006. His affair started as a friendship when I was still pregnant with our son. It became an affair when I was at the height of dealing with the PPD and he confessed it to me in May after it had been going on for 4 months. He couldn't choose between us, and told me he was pretty sure he was going to leave us.

I spent 3 days unable to sleep or eat. I know 3 days doesn't sound like a very long time, but to be honest, it felt like 3 months to me. Every minute was an hour, every hour an entire day. Finally on that 3rd day he told me to start packing. (Long story as to why I was leaving and not him, but it's neither here nor there now). He called me an hour later and told me that he had changed his mind and had already ended things with the Other Woman. I told him to stop fucking with me-- I had a lot of packing to do. Then he started crying and said he really wanted a chance to make things up to me. He came home a few hours later, and he's stayed ever since.

We're four months out now. I waiver on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis on whether or not I should stay in this realtionship or abandon it. Some days I think I should have just let him go. Some days I can't imagine a life without him. I still trigger almost daily. I'm constantly worried that he's still lying to me. I'm waiting for him to do something to win me back.

We're in marriage counseling, but until WS starts actually facing some of his issues, that is going nowhere. He has a reason behind every stupid thing he does, and he defends himself to the bitter end.

This blog is going to be a space for me to sort though all the crap I deal with day to day. I know it more than likely doesn't matter to anyone else, but this isn't about anyone else. It's about me and what I need to do to work through my mess of a life.